In blatant disregard for student rights, university officials authorized riot police to move Monday on more than 400 students peacefully gathered in Dandelion Square.
Tensions escalated when temperatures in western New York hit a record 10 degrees Celsius for more than two consecutive days Friday and Saturday of last week. To the horror of university administrators, an estimated 1,000 UR undergraduates ceased playing network games and emerged from their dormitories, blinking their eyes in the bright sunlight.
Injuring more than 30 students, Rochester Police Department teams used tear gas and stun guns as well as sunscreen pellets fired by armored tanks to try to herd away from the area the unusual number of students suddenly occupying the same space.
In addition, an estimated 15 students experienced burned corneas after looking up at the bright light that emerged from behind the thick layer of clouds that typically coats the daytime sky.
This number is expected to increase as other students are discovered wandering around campus, lost and blind.
Eyewitnesses said the 20-somethings appeared to gravitate to Dandelion Square once the snowdrifts that usually block points of egress melted enough to allow them to burrow through.
?They were like lemmings rushing to the sea,? said Bonnie Buonomo, manager of the Java Hut.
Once there, they discussed the weather, kicked gravel and sent novelty flying discs shooting through the air.
?It was so sunny outside,? said senior slacker Shawn Goldman. ?I wanted to check out the shadow from the clock, you know, to try to figure out what time it was in Eastern Standard Time.?
But as the weekend progressed, students failed to return to their rooms, alarming those who design programs to keep them immobilized.
?We installed Resnet to prevent this sort of situation,? said Ronald Paprocki, senior vice president of finance and administration. ?The ads in the Chronicle of Higher Education promised it would keep them docile!?
?If only all students had access to HBO,? said Mely Tynan, vice provost and chief information officer. ?But ever since it got switched to Tier 2 and suddenly cost extra, students have been kind of antsy.?
The threat of classes remaining scheduled despite the warm weather sent some students back to their rooms to gather their books and to hotsync their personal digital assistants on Monday. Others were tempted to leave by the offer of fresh-baked cookies and hardcore conversation on the lunch menu at Danforth Dining Center.
Others, however, remained in Dandelion Square well into the afternoon.
?I wasn?t going to leave,? said sophomore and Tiernan President Romeo Galang. ?I?ve been underground ? either in tunnels, the coffeehouse or Tiernan Basement ? for about six straight months.?
But this was enough for Director of Security Services Walter Mauldin.
At 4 p.m., security officers under his direction began to threaten the group, informing them if they would not vacate the premises, they would be dealt with severely.
In addition, security operatives disguised as undergraduates wearing bright blue jackets emblazoned with the words ?student aide? were dispatched to start the rumor that the rising temperatures had caused the polar ice caps to melt and the Genesee River to flood.
Shortly thereafter, members of the student media were escorted away from the scene and deported from the River Campus. Only with the help of students communicating with reporters via America Online Instant Messenger was this article possible.
The university released a statement the following day, denying they had authorized the attack. The statement did, however, respond to a number of other issues that had previously plagued the student body.
?No, you can?t know what the average SAT score of the incoming freshman class is. You aren?t authorized to understand the subtle nuances that comprise my rationale against joining the WRC. And frankly, I just don?t wanna tell you whom I choose to expell,? said UR President Thomas ?Hell Yeah!? Jackson at a press conference. A slight bit of froth formed at the corner of his mouth.
Several administrators broke with party lines to decry the attack on students.
Director of University Health Service Dr. Ralph Manchester stated they were acting on their own urges to satisfy basic physiologic needs.
?A vitamin-D deficiency was a major link to the flu that plagued the university community this winter despite their access to flu vaccinations that could have saved the lives of those at risk of death from the illness,? Manchester said. ?Please, let them risk melanomas. Let them be tan!?