Archive: Mar 2002
Jackson seen on campus, student terrorized
Once upon a time, specifically around lunchtime on March 18, freshman Steve Lega walked by Rush Rhees on his way to Danforth, when a suspect who was later identified as President Thomas Jackson approached him. Upon spotting the UR student, Jackson immediately began spouting administrative jargon. "A university community, first and foremost, should be a […]
Reno refuses refund
Once upon a time, the Outside Speakers Committee contacted Janet Reno's publicist demanding that she either make a free return engagement to UR or refund a portion of her speakers fee claiming she took a dive during her Jan. 30 speaking engagement. "The bitch fell down, plain and simple," Take Five Scholar and OSC External […]
Cat in the Hat found at Quad Annex
The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play ? when a frat found the cat on security last Monday. The brothers ran quickly to tell of the sight ? to the Rochester Police that very same night.They looked and they saw it, the mutilated cat in the hat. "Quad Annex residents were […]
More than one type of 'fairy' tail
Every time my girlfriend Princess Aurora and I have sex, she sleeps through it. Sometimes I feel like a necrophiliac. What can I do to get her more involved in our lovemaking? ? Prince PhillipHave you tried kissing the girl!? There is this thing called foreplay. You might want to try it. Explore that uncharted […]
Why can't I eat on campus after 9 p.m. on a weeknight?
We really don't know. Recent attempts to recover food from the Pit have been completely unsuccessful. On various nights in the past week we've been unable to get eggs or ketchup from the Grill, Roast Beef, Tomatos or Meatballs from Blimpies, any pizza or a soft drink as there was no carbonation. We (in the […]
Modern art revealed sa hoax, prank gone wrong
The modern artists of the world, at a recent gallery opening in Chicago's Museum of Contemporary Art, merely displayed a huge sign reading "April Fools."Art critics immediately hailed the work as "one of the greatest accomplishments of our time." A press conference was held by the artists responsible in order to explain the work."We aren't […]
Pied Piper's latest album very tempting
Not often do I get the chance to sit back, relax and listen to some good tunes. The hardest thing to find these days is soft and mellow instead of rough and abrasive.The Pied Piper's album, "Songs To Swindle Towns By," is a nice mix of mellow woodwinds with a more contemporary style.It was almost […]
First amendment sucks
While the first amendment gives people the freedom to say just about anything they want to, there are often drawbacks to this right, especially when it comes to printing "The Hawaiian Whannabe." Sure, it's great when we want to criticize the government, or suggest changes to better society, but when The Once Upon a Times […]
Prince Charming revealed
So often all we hear about Prince Charming is that he saves a princess and then lives with her happily ever after. Has anyone noticed one terribly disturbing factor about Prince Charming ? he sleeps with royalty in at least a half a dozen stories.Do you think that there are multiple Prince Charmings? No ? […]
Prophecy
Aries (March 21?April 19) ? Once upon a time you were cute and bunny-like. Don't be worried, my child. No longer. Get over it. And you will live unhappily ever after.Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? Once upon a time you were a wonderful prince. Don't be worried, my child. A gorgeous woman will kiss you […]