Aries (March 21?April 19) ? Once upon a time you were cute and bunny-like. Don’t be worried, my child. No longer. Get over it. And you will live unhappily ever after.
Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? Once upon a time you were a wonderful prince. Don’t be worried, my child. A gorgeous woman will kiss you and you’ll be all better. You will then live unhappily ever after.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ? Once upon a time you had two heads. Don’t be worried, my child. After removing one with a straight razor you will find yourself unbalanced and unable to walk. Then you will live unhappily ever after.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? Once upon a time furbies were cool. They aren’t anymore. You are a furby. Guess what that means. You got it! You will live unhappily ever after.
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? Once upon a time you had money. Don’t be worried, my child. Some poli-sci professor will make you spin gold or something. You will then live unhappily ever after.
Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? Once upon a time you had gas. Don’t be worried, my child. You made everyone pass out and now you will live unhappily ever after.
Libra (Sept. 23?Oct.22) ? Once upon a time a nasty dean put you on summary disciplinary probation. Don’t be worried, my child. He’ll take you off eventually (once he gets off his power trip). You will then live unhappily ever after.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? Once upon a time you had fashion sense. Don’t be worried, my child. Except that was 30 years ago. Lose the bell bottoms and get some class. You will then live unhappily ever after.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) ? Once upon a time I was skinny. Don’t be worried, my child. This doesn’t really affect you in the slightest. You’re still thin, or fat. However, you will still live unhappily ever after.
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? Once upon a time you lived with your uncle. Don’t be worried, my child. You don’t anymore. You’re at college and on your own. You will then live unhappily ever after.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ? Once upon a time you had a goldfish. Don’t be worried, my child. Although your babysitter flushed it down the toilet, it lives on. You will then live unhappily ever after.
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? Once upon a time there was a fairy godmother. Don’t be worried, my child, she wasn’t yours. She fell and broke her hip. Now you will live unhappily ever after.
(If you don’t believe this, call Ms. Cleo tomorrow. This is to be taken very seriously.)
