We really don’t know. Recent attempts to recover food from the Pit have been completely unsuccessful.

On various nights in the past week we’ve been unable to get eggs or ketchup from the Grill, Roast Beef, Tomatos or Meatballs from Blimpies, any pizza or a soft drink as there was no carbonation.

We (in the royal sense) have completely given up on ever getting a panini. The cute little George Foreman grill they use is usually turned off when we drop by.

We figure it’s too much for them to actually keep equipment and food available until the official closing time at midnight.

The one time we actually got a panini, Heather (as a dining services employee she has no last name) seemed completely unable to recognize that by rotating a panini 45 degrees you destroy the signature grooves and end up with squished, half cooked crap.

When asked about why there was no food in the Pit and why everything was closed down so early in the evening, Heather responded “You think we actually care about whether or not any of you eat?”

“Please. I’m just here for a paycheck. Mine even comes on time!”

She continued “another part of why you can’t get good food even when things are open is that our employee turnover is so high that we just gave up on training them. Students probably don’t even notice.”

Anyone else from dining services was unavailable for comment.

When Dean of Torture Ken “The Rock” Ensies was approached about the matter during “cookie hour” he swiftly placed Heather on summary disciplinary probation for being incompetent.

Starvin’ Marvin can be reached by leaving a buffalo wing on your door at night. He will appear at 1 a.m. promptly and leave if you’re not ready.



An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.

Riseup with Riseman

“I decided to make one for fun — really poor quality — and I put it on my Instagram just to see how people would react," Riseman said.

Colin’s Review Rundown: Future and Metro Boomin, Lizzy McAlpine, Benson Boone, Civerous

Is it bad? Definitely not! But I found myself continually checking my phone to see how many tracks were left.