As we near the end of the semester and the assignments and expectations begin to pile high, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and dehumanized. Whenever I attempt to do something to relax, such as seeing my friends or taking a walk in the warmer weather, I cannot seem to shake the guilt that accompanies unproductivity.
My breaks have recently consisted of scrolling on social media or binging bite-sized laugh track sitcoms on HBO Max. But the problem with this form of relaxation is that it doesn’t rejuvenate you at all. This easily digestible content provides rapid-fire bursts of dopamine in an algorithm designed to keep you hooked. As I scrolled TikTok with an unfinished midterm paper on my computer in front of me, an essential question arose: Why do I continuously turn to dopamine-feedback loops when I’m feeling burnt out, even when I’m painfully aware of how harmful they can be?
In order to cope with the lingering stress and guilt when I find myself in a bit of downtime, I prefer to default to instant absorption and gratification. If I do not give my mind any time to form real thoughts outside of school, there is no chance of a stressful reminder of the work left undone slipping through the cracks.
I found myself in a cycle of work and consumption, not fully allowing myself to rest and recover, but rather craving distraction. My emotions were not as present, and I was tired all day — from waking up to scrolling myself to sleep in bed at night.
As I opened TikTok before going to bed one night, it occurred to me that I continued to return to consumable media because I was nervous to be alone with myself over the fear that I might think myself into an anxiety spiral. I know that sounds hypocritical, but it’s true! When did I become afraid to think? In this time, a resilience that keeps thoughts obstructed is not something anyone can afford to have.
The only way to reintroduce myself to productive relaxation (such as reading a book or journaling) was to become comfortable with myself. My immediate instinct was to explore meditation.
Meditation is a process of mental exploration for the purpose of reaching a heightened personal awareness. Although there are many different practices, it often involves sitting in silence, focusing on breathing, and acknowledging thoughts as they float by. And that’s exactly where I started.
In an effort to keep spending to a minimum, I found a free 10-minute guided meditation on YouTube by Calm. It focused on “impermanence,” which means to acknowledge thoughts and feelings as they come up, but to allow yourself to detach from them in an effort to not let them consume you.
I did this meditation at 7 a.m., just after waking up and before checking my phone. I started out with good intentions, but about halfway through, I became a bit restless. Once I trusted myself to relax again, though, I was able to finish strong. Throughout the day after meditating, I felt more emotionally regulated and more focused on each task without my mind drifting to the next one.
Later in the week, I told a friend of mine about my initial restlessness in my meditation. Their advice surprised me a bit, as it seemed to break the “rules” of popularized meditation: They use affirmations to focus themself when their mind starts to drift. Setting intentions like “I will always make it through” and “My contributions are meaningful” can help you zero in on thoughts you want to manifest into the rest of your day.
Part of the reason I find speaking small affirmations helpful is because the intentional physical sensation of speaking allows me to deepen my focus by giving an extra layer of stimulation. This made me wonder about the effects of a different physical meditative practice: yoga.
In recent years, yoga has been used primarily for its physical benefits, often incorporating strenuous exercise in place of more mindful practice. This comes hand in hand with the gentrification of the practice, so I was not quite sure what to look for in a YouTube video this time. I also find that certain physical spaces correlate with stress levels for me, so I decided it was time for a field trip!
I found a class at Tru Yoga, a holistic traditional yoga studio in the South Wedge, that focuses simply on letting your body adapt to itself by holding poses for minutes at a time. I figured this would be enough physical sensation to give me something to attach my focus to but not enough to change the nature of my experimentation.
The class itself was an hour and fifteen minutes in the afternoon. We used many props, including a large pillow, two blocks, and a total of five blankets.
At first, it was very off-putting to be in a room full of strangers, basically lying down in different positions in a completely silent studio. However, as the class moved forward, time began to fly. It became an interesting exercise in self-restraint, forcing myself to focus on being calm. In the end, the room full of people trying to do the same was a good motivator.
Although I felt calmer afterward, I do not feel you must pay for a class to have this experience. Meditation is an ancient practice, and with some practice, it can be easily accessible to everyone, via your own brain or YouTube.
At the end of the week, I have some motivation back to put into the things I am passionate about. I focus longer when I am studying, and I feel motivated to take care of myself. I have tried to spend less time on social media to supplement this practice, and I have found myself naturally avoiding it in times I would have caved.
Like so many things, allowing your thoughts to come and go at will is only scary until you give yourself permission to think. I hope to continue some 10 minute meditations some mornings as a reminder of that, and hopefully make finals season less of an overwhelming experience!
