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F-ck the Police
By Dick TipA dangerous new sport has evolved right here at UR. This sport captures the best of what the greatest sports demand of you - imagination, wit, speed, stamina and pure will. And while it has yet to catch on in the mainstream, it is sure to become a favorite pastime very soon. So […]
Sex Profile: URBee, the school Mascot
By chanandler bongBrad Pitt's MistressWe all know that URBee, UR's faithful school mascot, has been a dynamic presence on the campus for many years. He is a leader of camaraderie at tons of sport events, an active athlete, a comedian and a friend to many. But does anyone know who the real URBee is? Yes, […]
Deaniac exposed
Alleged Liberal SympathizerYou see it in the movies, like in "Independence Day," where Jeff Goldblum's character David Levinson suddenly saw the way to defeat the invading aliens. That one moment of epiphany with a transcendence that changes a life forever. After ruminating for quite a while, it came to me that I am a Deaniac. […]
Women vindicated
Jim MackFeminist-in-TrainingTo render women truly useful members of society, I argue that they should be led, by having their understandings cultivated on a large scale, to acquire a rational affection for their country, founded on knowledge, because it is obvious that we are little interested about what we do not understand. That women at present […]
Cell Gossip: Nabozny arrested for embezzling
Nabozny arrested for embezzlingSA President "Pistol" Pete Nabozny was arrested on Tuesday for embezzling funds from the Students' Association Supplemental Fund.UR Security caught on to Nabozny's scheming after investigating sketchy classifieds placed in the Campus Crime Connection. "A female undergraduate stopped by the Ruth Merrill Center to try on a missing brassiere and noticed large […]
Parent robs bank
By Ima FunnyBetter Than You A Rochester parent arrested on bank robbery charges on April 1 at 12 p.m. claimed that UR is at fault for the robbery because of the high tuition increase this year."Tuition keeps sky-rocketing. At this rate and I bet soon college students will have to go to prison for spring […]
Seligman gets machine
By seligman's angelsTranvestites Part I Out-going President Thomas "I've got your money" Jackson officially handed over to President-Elect Joel Seligman the key to UR's weather machine Friday morning."As [my reign comes] to an end, I [needed to] tie [up loose] ends," Jackson said, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Last week, I [cashed out my Cayman […]
Criminal crack ring busted
By Charles MansonDead Man WalkingSeveral UR employees were arrested on Monday on drug trafficking charges in connection with the Cogeneration project.The Cogeneration project is responsible for tearing up the campus during the past year and making a big mess. It is also responsible for transporting 300 kilograms of crack cocaine to Canada through newly constructed […]
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Open Campus improved
Spring Open Campus 2005 will feature many changes from open campuses of past years in order to allow accepted high school seniors the chance to experience the true life of a UR student."There are tons of choices at UR," Assistant Director of Admissions Joe Lanning said. "People aren't telling students what to do. We wanted […]