Steroids creep onto the UR diamond

By Fro FinCampus HoboScandal erupted yesterday when the All-Campus Judiciary Council subpoenaed former UR athlete Ralph Palmero McWeed to appear at an emergency hearing. McWeed, a former first baseman for the Yellowjackets baseball team from 1999-2003, is being called to appear in front of the council this Wednesday. The council called this emergency session amid controversy that emerged from the Medical Area Laboratory Co-Operative, known as MALCO. The UR Athletic department learned of MALCO when the Campus Crime Investigation Unit, also known as UR Security, caught onto the group through an undercover agent posing as a lab rat.The athletic department appealed to ACJC for an emergency hearing in hopes of shedding light on the subject. The subject pertains to MALCO’s illegal distribution of its synthetically manufactured hormone, Beef-Up, to UR athletes.UR Athletic Director Jorge de la Zwaag has come under fire for allegedly knowing about the scandal. “We fought for mandatory testing, but the UR Players’ Union would never agree to it,” de la Zwaag lamented. Not to be left out of the scandal, Congress has called for a hearing to single-handedly decide the constitutionality of their involvement in the issue. “We will not be handicapped by a 218-year-old document,” Majority Leader Tom Sans Delay declared. Meanwhile, civil rights leader Jesse Jackass led a rally on the steps of Wilson Commons to protest the removal of the ball players’ steroid-filled syringes. “This is one of the great moral debates of our time,” Jackson declared. However, before he could continue, he was abruptly interrupted by a cell phone call from his illegitimate baby’s mama. This scandal allegedly extends as far as the faculty. There has been some speculation that several faculty members, namely medical center scientists, have turned to steroid production to supplement their paltry UR professor incomes. “As a professor, I can hardly afford my Z4,” Professor Vishal Khandidwankeran said. “How the hell is my family supposed to eat? My wife is accustomed to certain things, you know?”One faculty member in particular has come forward with his own story. “Oh yeah, we were all down in the lab getting ‘jiggy with the chemies,’ as we used to call it,” Doctor Suquinti Ai said. “We called our space the ‘Candy Land’ and that’s where we came up with all of our best performance-enhancing ideas. In fact, all of the major UR sports teams are using our products, not just the baseball team. I mean, just look at the field hockey team. You’re not going to print this, are you?””The faculty members find this accusation to be crude and downright unfounded,” Dean of Faculty Prichard Micardi said. ACJC has yet to rule in the case. However, legal watchdog groups speculate that the athletic director and the President of the university will be removed by the trustees at the end of the spring semester. Fin can be reached at ffin@donttouchthefro.org. Additional reporting by BigTip@YeaDatsRight.com