By seligman’s angelsTranvestites Part I Out-going President Thomas “I’ve got your money” Jackson officially handed over to President-Elect Joel Seligman the key to UR’s weather machine Friday morning.”As [my reign comes] to an end, I [needed to] tie [up loose] ends,” Jackson said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Last week, I [cashed out my Cayman offshore bank] account and upped tuition [by 8.1% to get] Joel’s [account] going. This week, I needed [to make sure Meliora Weekend will still have] perfect weather.”The weather machine has been used for every important UR day for the last 150 years.”I want to keep the proud tradition of warm summer-like weather in the midst of winter alive,” Seligman said. “The weather machine ameliorates dreary weather conditions.”Seligman then joked, “Hey, I used a word involving ‘meliora’! So now go forth and meliora!”Few students in the area responded to this commandment, although many were interested about how the weather machine works.”Yeah, I thought it was a little weird that the weather would be a blazing 60 degrees, when the week before and after were 20 degrees and snowing,” senior Neil Janowitz said.TJ gave insight into the machine.”It’s actually a very ingenious device,” Jackson fondly said. “You see these knobs? You twist it to the temperature you want, select the weather and then ‘you set it, and forget it.’ Well okay, it’s not that easy. You need to sacrifice a virgin, too.” When asked about the virgin sacrifice, Jackson said, “It’s a pretty standard-issue virgin-sacrifice ritual. It’s in the contract I signed with Satan.”The contract 22(a)(1) states, UR President Thomas Jackson [heretofore referred to as TJ] shall sacrifice one female, of virgin status, upon the markings of a pentagram, described in 11(b)(3). Satan Man] willthen confer, upon verification of sacrifice, the proper weather conditions as indicated on the weather machine knobs.UR presidents have historically enjoyed a working relationship with Satan.”[UR presidents] are very fun to work with,” Satan said. “Oftentimes we already have friendly business ventures in other arenas, so the trust is there.”Seligman continues in this tradition.”I have already signed the contract and have been practicing drawing pentagrams,” Seligman said. “By next week, they’ll be perfect.”Many students wondered about the weather machine’s use.”If we have this machine, why don’t we use it more often,” freshman Jim Mack asked. “If we know the machine exists, and we choose not to use it, then we consciously choose to have bad weather. So obviously it is not that we can’t use the machine, but that we enjoy bad weather.”Campus Crime Connection opinions editor Tony Scott launched a campaign to enlighten the student body of the truth. He took off his clothes and streaked around the quad, screaming, “The fact of the matter is, UR does not have enough virgins to go around!” Continuing, he screamed, “We need them for everything, ranging from STD studies to frat parties to use in the weather machine!”Scott then collapsed due to severe weather, probably caused by Wacko Cracko Jacko. Satan can be reached firstname.lastname@example.org.
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