By Ima FunnyBetter Than You A Rochester parent arrested on bank robbery charges on April 1 at 12 p.m. claimed that UR is at fault for the robbery because of the high tuition increase this year.”Tuition keeps sky-rocketing. At this rate and I bet soon college students will have to go to prison for spring break to visit their parents,” junior Michael He’s mom said. “I think this is a great idea that many Rochester parents will start to take advantage of. I attempted this robbery after watching “Oceans Eleven” exactly 11 times. Its true what they say, honest efforts are truly waste these days.”The father will appear before a jury that will decide his prison-term. “I’ll prove to you that the college is encouraging this,” he said. “Could you please explain what they mean by adding $50 to the tuition bill for lost property before the term even begins? I mean, if I have to train my kids to steal efficiently, I need to be good at it myself too, right?”His 20 year-old blonde wife stands her ground that a mink fur coat is more worthwhile and long-lasting than a college education. We were unavailable to take her comment.Other parents have offered overwhelming support for the arrested parent as is evident by the new organization called ‘Our money is worth more than UR pants!’ “I would like to humbly inform the administration with all due respect that I fart in their general direction,” one of the flustered parents standing outside Rush Rhees with twisted and horribly mangled Rochester yellow-jackets in their hands said. Continuing, he said, “I wish they had told me about these ridiculous amounts 18 years ago, I would have opted to be content with a dog- there may be dog hair all over the place but at least they don’t have to get a Ph.D. before they can go and bark at ten other dogs and get their food.” Administration, in the meantime, maintains a passive attitude. “We refuse to entertain such childish pranks,” Dean of Money Plants Billie Green said. Continuing, he said, “I mean obviously, they didn’t get the quality education their kids are getting, and bad education will only cost more. I mean, even if this means I get to live in a beach house with a sauna and a tennis court, a summer house in Florida and a resort in Switzerland, it’s not like their money is being put to any illegal use. Those are benefits of holding the position of Dean of such a prestigious and expensive college.”” Well then, why don’t they all go and dump their kids in government universities. Then they’ll see what a distinguished private education means and what polished and fine adults their children will turn out to be,” President “Stonewall” Jackson said.At this point we would like to humbly refrain from commenting on the shockingly uncivilized behaviors of students at the “private university” who are completely stoned and trashed on weekends. “Our weekly Security Update can speak for itself,” Head of the investigation Wally Mauldin said. “Urination in the most unexpected locations seems by far the most popular way for students to flaunt their drunken powers. Whatever happened to the good old days of puking till you were ready to turn inside out? Let me tell you, quality education is just a fancy term for students wearing more expensive black square Donald duck hats and prancing around the campus on one fine sunny day.” The arrested parent remains confident of winning his case.”At least I have inspired a new generation of parents to come out and fight,” he said. “Administration beware, you have not heard the last of this yet.”Comradesinconspiracy can be reached atwww.catchmeifyoucan.org.



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