By chanandler bongBrad Pitt’s MistressWe all know that URBee, UR’s faithful school mascot, has been a dynamic presence on the campus for many years. He is a leader of camaraderie at tons of sport events, an active athlete, a comedian and a friend to many. But does anyone know who the real URBee is? Yes, there was that well-made documentary that was overplayed on URTV for many months, but that was hardly the “E! True Hollywood Story” version. However, our sex profile reporters were willing to delve deeper in to the sexual activity of the most famous yellowjacket – vespula maculifrons – in the country. URBee has always seemed to convey a rather asexual persona – he has never shown a clear preference for the hunky male athletes whose games he attends or for the perky cheerleaders he often assists in spirit leading. On his facebook page he claims to be in a relationship with the entire UR community. However, last Thursday after a devoted week of stalking the sex profile, team finally found the scoop they had been looking for but had not in any way anticipated. URBee, the Mickey Mouse of the UR campus, was found participating in acts of bee-stiality. This was quite surprising given the fact that most yellowjackets usually only have intraspecies relations. He commited the act with a female pre-frosh from Greenwich, Conn. – a real wasps’ nest – who will remain nameless due to the request of her humiliated and horrified parents. The poor girl had made a most unfortunate decision in clothing attire that morning when she had selected a bright pink Ralph Lauren cableknit sweater and khakis, thinking it would be a stylish but also practical move. Little did she know that that very afternoon she would be a victim of a tragedy of “Beauty and the Beast”-like proportions. As all yellowjackets are, URBee was naturally drawn to the bright colors, plus the fact that she was wearing Jessica Simpson’s Edible Dessert beauty products could not have helped. She was a walking picnic basket in his eyes.URBee has refused to talk the press since the incident and has not left his nest under the Wilder Tower steps. He has been apparently turning to his good friend Tony the Tiger for advice.The school administration has decided not to fire him, knowing that it would be impossible to find a replacement this late in the school year. We will all accept URBee in our hearts again, though unforunately, he has brought a whole new meaning of the word pollination to our lives. Bong can be reached at email@example.com.
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