F-ck the Police

By Dick TipA dangerous new sport has evolved right here at UR. This sport captures the best of what the greatest sports demand of you – imagination, wit, speed, stamina and pure will. And while it has yet to catch on in the mainstream, it is sure to become a favorite pastime very soon. So what is this dangerous, new exciting sport? It’s called Security Ball.Security Ball works in this manner – you take a ball, any kind you’d like, and you hurl it at a UR Security officer. When the officer has spotted you and begins making his way toward you, you run away as fast as you can. Points are awarded for actually hitting the officer. Even more points are rewarded for hitting multiple officers with a single throw. More points are scored for using a larger or harder ball. Even more points are rewarded for allowing the officer to come very close to you before you begin running. As the game goes on, you continue to accumulate points until you reach a certain number – whatever number that is must be agreed on by all contestants before the match. If the officer catches you, you must forfeit all of the points you’ve earned for the day. In fact, being caught means automatic disqualification. Of course, this game has its detractors. Security has issued a statement condemning the sport as a “wanton, reckless, needless threat to the security forces of the university.” At a press conference last week, Head of Security Walter Mauldin blasted the sport for 15 minutes. Near the end of his speech, three tennis balls whizzed past his face. Two students were apprehended and questioned about the incident.Not much is known about what happened during the interrogation. The two students, identified as sophomore Amclean Tu and freshman Cherubin Fini, refused to be interviewed by the Campus Crime Connection.”The first rule of Security Ball Club is that you don’t talk about Security Ball Club,” Amclean deadpanned as she spit into our cameras.”Yeah, retards!” Fini added. Sophomore C4ndy L1k3 Wh04 Tice, a former member of Security Ball Club, took some time away from her job as an erotic entertainer to talk to Campus Club Connection about the intricacies of the group.”If it’s your first night at Security Ball Club, you have to throw,” Tice explained. “Then there are these tight rules about who is allowed to be in Security Ball Club. Many of the members are honors students by day, sick of the boring, daily grind of Biomedical Engineering. Security Ball Club gives them something to look forward to.”During the interview, Tice was twitchy and nervous. She explained that she is considered a threat to the clandestine nature of the organization by virtue of being a former member. We had to write her name in l33t to blur her identity. When we asked her for names of members in the club, she refused to answer. So we promised not to tell anyone, and she agreed to tell us some names. According to Tice, we are not to let anyone know that J. Bo and Mr. He are in charge of the operation. Several officers have called Security complaining of being hit by spherical projectiles. When told that they were security officers themselves and that they could do something about it on their own, they were bewildered by the revelation.”I always thought our job was to drive those cool-looking white cars and just make the campus look secure,” Officer Dan Lafferty complained.A parking officer also called Security to complain about being struck by flying balls on three separate occasions. After a lengthy investigation, however, it was determined that there was no relation between Security Ball Club and the incidents involving the parking officer. Tip can be reached at BigTip@SieWerdenNichtBeleidigenAnDeutschlandMachen!!!!!!!!!!!!