Humor
hallowed halls of middle school
Tales From Middle School: How my ex tried to win me back via Voltron roleplay
Middle school was an odd and distressing time for me. I mean, what do you do when a surprise Mpreg plotline comes at you? Read More
existential despair
Quiz: are you depressed
Do you need a quiz to tell yourself that hating being alive every morning isn’t normal? Life is a curse and existence is a prison. Read More
dating today
How to lose faith in men in 10 dates
I’m pretty proud of myself for finding a partner that my friends met and didn’t immediately go, “Really? Him?” Read More
it's not you it's Wii
Campus Times makes terrible mistake, allows asexual man to write Valentine’s Day article*
Now, with the versatile new Nintendo Switch™ console, I can finally experience true emotional intimacy. And you can, too, for just $299.99! Read More
dangerous slurry
Kids love chemicals
The modern Four Loko was nerfed by Big Water, forcing the removal of caffeine, but it’s still a dangerous slurry of sugar and alcohol. Read More
capitalism
Help, my roommate took ECON 108!
I was willing to overlook the basic annoyances, such as his grumbling “there’s no such thing as a free lunch” when we’d pass food being given out. Read More
avian trafficking
Birding club takes flight
Birding Club has realized what the vast majority of onlookers have known for quite some time: These birds are fucking lame. Read More
elevators will be elevators
TikTok trend spurs rise in campus elevators thefts
Close acquaintances of the dirty, dirty criminals claimed that one party “would sneak his hand in at the last second to feel how tight it squeezed." Read More
it's wet
Puddle-palooza!
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been sneak-attacked by a puddle on my treks across campus. A puddle. Read More
