Are you hot, single, and looking for love? 

If you were, you wouldn’t be reading this. Two out of three? You’re in luck. The Campus Times is proud to announce that production for the inaugural series of “The Slacker” is underway. Love will be in the air, on your screen, and in your Slack direct messages. “Slack?” you ask. “Isn’t that platform more conducive to lackluster professionalism than romance?” Shut up.

Introducing the Slacker herself: Corey Miller-Williams, former CT Editor-in-Chief! (Not even retirement will save you from farming content for this paper.) Corey is fun, smart, pretty, and chronically online. She’s looking to find someone special who can type at a reasonable pace and will laugh at the Tumblr posts she shows them, even if they’ve already seen the textposts, because acknowledging her good feed is a love language. The girls who get it, get it.

“The Slacker” will offer a chance at love to the saddest campus populace: chronic Slack users. Those who never miss the opportunity to insert their custom react image, no matter how late or how random. Those who don’t need to have notifications on, because they never leave. It takes a lot to be lame on the Internet, but man, these guys sure are trying.

Loosely inspired by hit reality shows like “Love Island” and “Survivor,” “The Slacker” marks a departure from the whitebread, cookie-cracker seasons of “The Bachelor” that have plagued America for over two decades. Instead of group date challenges, expect the agony of a silent channel with thirty people, waiting and agonizing over your handle or which of your Cookie Monster Maid profile pics is sexiest. Instead of waiting a tasteful few weeks to spill your trauma over dinner, you’ll be known exclusively as “daddy issues clown kinnie” from your very first interaction. All roses will be awarded via emoticon. 

Rather than adhere to the tried and true format of one lead and 30 delirious, sleep-deprived and emotionally manipulated contestants trapped in a desolate mansion, “The Slacker” is a free-for-all. Ostensibly people are vying for Corey’s heart, but we all know that America craves chaos. Our team decided that rather than create one big server to host “The Slacker” and broadcast the quest for love, we’re just going to let people into the wild with vague instructions and watch what happens. They’ll find each other (DM on Slack) if it’s meant to be (they can stalk each other and join the appropriate channels). Let them put in the work. Meaningful connection can happen in any server, at any time, and if someone sends a weird message in your chem lab Slack channel, maybe you should let them follow their heart and let love into your life. 

Dating is hard. With so many classes to attend, Discord servers to moderate, and corridors to sulk down sadly, you might struggle finding time for yourself, much less for love. “The Slacker” will provide many with the very first opportunity in their lives to get bitches, and we here at the CT couldn’t be more proud to promote love in all its forms. Apply today!

UR Softball continues dominance with sweeps of Alfred University and Ithaca College

The Yellowjackets swept Alfred University on the road Thursday, winning both games by a score of 5–4.

Dinner for Peace was an unconventional way of protesting for Palestine

The dinner showcased aspects of Palestinian culture. It was a unique way of protesting against the genocide, against the Israeli occupation, against the university’s involvement with the genocide.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…