Man yearns for the moss. When the wee sprigs of green poke out their shaking leaves at the end of winter, my brain stem prickles with anticipation. The monkey in me (yes, I know we aren’t descended from monkeys, but “primate-adjacent common ancestor” doesn’t have the same ring to it) is ready to swing from some vines, bungee jump-style. The jungle is calling. I need the juice. You guessed it, baby. The jungle juice!

In case you have yet to juice your jungle, I am here to rock your world (respectfully). You’ve got the funny juice. You love the funny juice! It makes the brain go all silly, and sometimes you don’t remember pulling out all your foot mittens to recreate Love is Blind: Sockwear Edition, but trust me it’s so worth it. Anyway, back to liquor! Because you’re broke and optimistic, your delicate taste buds often need the soothing touch of a sugary mixer to cover up the cheap battery acid burn. Jungle juice offers the best of both worlds: there’s flavor to hide your questionable decisions, but the flavor is just more giggle water!

I know it’s hard to believe, but the taste of fermented things does in fact mask the taste of other fermented things. After a few sips, you will forget what taste is, so it matters less in the grand scheme of things. Simply round up a half dozen of your most disreputable bosom buddies, inform them that the end of conscious thought is nigh, and pour out your sorrows in the form of beverages. It is important to curate your guest list, lest you end up with unmentionables (dairy products) in your room-temperature concoction. 

Some girlies are for the borgs. Some are meant to fall off the frat basement stage. Some of us were witches on the playground at recess and want to make potions again. You can pack a dangerous amount of percentages into a cup if you try hard enough, and even keep your eyesight after if you choose to follow my very sage advice.

  1. Keep your friends close, your frenemies closer, and your enemies far, far away. With the amount of bad decisions per sip hitting your bloodstream, you’d better be making sure all the silly stuff was placed there with good intentions. Watch your back. Watch your baby bevvy. Have a morally responsible party there at all times.
  2. Hydrate. Yeah, you’re being watered, but what if you did it twice? 
  3. Have rules. If your friend (a beautiful lady) has terrible ideas (coffee), you have to put your foot down. Consider making a smaller, cuter little punch for the ideas you want to vote out of the jungle.
  4. Get your spreadsheet friend to tally up the funny numbers. You either have a spreadsheet friend or you are the spreadsheet friend. Even though you do not have the knowledge, nor will you ever know, of the things that have been in your body, it’s good to have a guesstimate.
  5. Medication is a no-no. You wanna be stupid? Find another biome.

Brace yourself and pace yourself, take all the courage you have left. You’ve got this, tiger! 



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