At a Walmart parking lot in Portland, OR, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Landon Smith suffered a severe panic attack at the sight of a local woman driving in his general direction as she listened to “Get Back Up Again,” sung by Anna Kendrick in the movie, “Trolls.”
Wearing only his projectile-proof body armor, Smith was almost plowed down by the local mother’s 2018 Chevrolet Traverse, which had been moving at a lethal speed of 6 MPH.
“It would have been really scary if her car was pointed at me,” Smith stated.
While Smith sustained ruinous injuries, such as a scratch on his hand from slipping on the ice, he was able to save his life by shooting at a line of shopping carts.
A nearby witness recounted the incident: “Yeah, he was, like, hyperventilating as she was starting to drive past him, and then, he stepped right in front of her moving car for some reason. I think the car grazed him, and he just started writhing on the ground and screaming, ‘She hit me!’ He, like, fired ten bullets at those shopping carts while he did that.”
As concerned individuals share the Walmart security footage of this online, calling it further evidence of ICE posing as a threat to communities, expert video analyst Donald Trump defended Smith, stating that, “cars are scary.”
In a following press conference, Kristi Noem also spoke on the incident, noting that the woman’s car had all kinds of threatening bumper stickers plastered on, such as ones that read “I <3 My Spoiled American Shorthair” and “My Child is an Honors Student.”
Noem, currently serving as a reminder that beautiful people can be stupid too, elaborated, “Militarized agents, wearing identity-concealing masks and abducting and victimizing community members, are not a danger to American life. It’s the other people … you know who.”
