Humor
Humor
Give me my grade, or give me death
My professor passed back essays yesterday. Like most students, I blew past the illegible comments and went straight to the grade. At the bottom of the page, in blood red ink, read “B+/A-.” What the hell is that? Is it a B+ or an A-? A B+ says, “You clearly put in the effort, but […]
Humor
LSAT updated with new essay question
Sources report that in an unprecedented move, the Law School Admission Council (LSAC) has added a second additional essay section to the LSAT. Unlike the first essay which uses randomized prompts for each test, the second will ask the predetermined question: “Do you even lift?” According to LSAC Chair Marcellus Wallace, the updated test will […]
Humor
Heartbroken singles swarm UHS for free Valentine’s Day counseling
The lines outside University Health Service were uncharacteristically long this morning, Feb. 14, due to a massive increase in student interest for the University Counseling Center’s psychotherapy program. The turnout is completely unprecedented and too much for UCC to handle, forcing it to recruit psychiatry residents and medical students from UR Medical Center as well […]
Humor
‘Seligmania’ sweeps country after surprise announcement
Reports of “Seligmania” are sweeping the United States, Puerto Rico, and scattered Amazonian villages after University President Joel Seligman announced a potential 2016 presidential bid on Tuesday, Feb. 12. “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay,” said Seligman, in reference to the fiscal cliff, in […]
Humor
Ramblings of a devoted fourth floor pooper
I feel as though I must apologize to the anthropology department. I must apologize for the smell. You see, I exclusively poop in the men’s bathroom on the fourth floor of Lattimore, where the anthropology professors reside. Although I try to poop there as often as my schedule permits me to, it only smells if […]
Humor
Successive snowfall inspires unusual play
Because of Rochester’s reputation for excessive snow, UR students have a fear of Mother Nature instilled in them. Gearing up in layers of hats, scarves, mittens, and boots gets old really fast, so making the best of the snow and cold is the only way to survive the long winter months. Even though most of […]
Humor
Seduction hoax unveils slew of new Internet lies
The controversy of Manti Te’o’s online girlfriend hoax has set in motion the reveal of numerous other Internet dupings, sources confirmed earlier this week. One UR student was subject to a similar internet hoax. When sophomore Kyle Noube received a chat greeting from a single blonde in a pop-up browser, he couldn’t believe his luck. […]
Humor
Trying to remember the New Year
Happy New Year! Glasses clink; everyone consumes a form of sparkling liquid. The anticipation is over, leaving only a discussion of resolutions to fill the void left by the most anticlimactic of holidays. “I need to be more fun. I will buy an exotic, untamable animal.” “No more drunk food…well, after tonight.” “I might go […]
Humor
Me, the manatee: Bulking up to beat the cold this winter
I am going to give in to biology and get fat. I am going to learn from the bear, the hippo and the manatee and get fat in order to stay warm this winter. To prepare for swimming in cold waters, the manatee gains weight in order to increase the thickness of its blubber. There's […]
Humor
Beyoncé sworn in as 45th president
In a historically unprecedented act, Chief Justice John Roberts administered the oath of office to beloved singer and alleged cult leader, Beyoncé Knowles this past Monday, Jan. 21. “I stand by my actions,” Roberts said. “It just seemed like the right thing to do.” Knowles, best known for her powerful singing voice, excessive use of […]
