In a historically unprecedented act, Chief Justice John Roberts administered the oath of office to beloved singer and alleged cult leader, Beyoncé Knowles this past Monday, Jan. 21.

“I stand by my actions,” Roberts said. “It just seemed like the right thing to do.”

Knowles, best known for her powerful singing voice, excessive use of key changes, and odd baby names, has decided to appoint Barack Obama as her vice president because, let’s face it, she can pretty much do whatever she wants.

“He’s irreplaceable,” Knowles belted. “All the American single ladies are crazy in love with him and, if I were a boy, I wouldn’t even wait to countdown to be him. The man wears a halo.”

The support for Knowles’ new role seems to be unwavering.

“I’ve been writing in her name on presidential ballots for years,” one inaugural crowd member remarked. “It can’t be long until her birthday becomes a national holiday.”

Even opposing members of Congress have been solidly united by their love of the “Queen of Pop.”

“We’ve been playing her version of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ on repeat in the Capitol building for days,” Speaker of the House John Boehner said. “I was even able to get a unanimous decision from the House regarding the color of her ‘Welcome Home’ banner.”

Unfortunately, Obama was unable to comment due to the shock of meeting Knowles.

Esce is a member of the class of 2015.



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