Reports of “Seligmania” are sweeping the United States, Puerto Rico, and scattered Amazonian villages after University President Joel Seligman announced a potential 2016 presidential bid on Tuesday, Feb. 12.
“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay,” said Seligman, in reference to the fiscal cliff, in the first of 43 announced speeches that will occur across the country.
“We wanted to visit every state,” explained Professor of Economics Steven Landsburg who has been serving as Seligman’s chief financial advisor and campaign manager.
Pushing for national unity and advocating civil liberties, Seligman passionately proclaimed, “One thing I can tell you is you’ve got to be free. Come together. Right now. Over me.”
Despite its popularity, Seligman’s platform puzzled many of his supporters, “Seligmaniacs,” in regards to his radical positions: that Wall Street be more tightly regulated, that marijuana be legalized, and that Texas secede from the United States.
Tickets for Seligman’s campaign tour are in high demand, with online venues like StubHub selling out in mere seconds.
“He’s the people’s candidate… a much younger, smarter, more radical Chairman Mao,” said senior Ringo McCartney who has been closely following Seligman’s campaign trail.
Online fan pages have already sprouted up on sites such as 4chan, Reddit, and Club Penguin. #Seligman2016 has been trending on Twitter for a second straight day, and the “Seligman Memes” Facebook page has garnered over 9,000 likes in just the first 12 hours.
All fundraising that has been raised for the University’s Meliora Challenge, amounting to approximately $892 million, will go towards Seligman’s campaign. According to Landsburg, inclusion of these funds would result in the largest presidential campaign in American history.
Seligman reassured that his announcement, made within minutes of Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation, was mere coincidence. Conspiracy theorists remain skeptical.
“He lies,” said Pope Benedict XVI.
A number of intellectuals have endorsed Seligman’s bid. Willie Nelson, Azaelia Banks, Vanessa Carlton, Charlie Sheen, Sean Connery, and John Wayne are among his most active supporters, citing his wide knowledge of “various issues.”
Schaffer is a member of the class of 2016.
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