April Fools
Eclipse Portends Humanity’s Descent Back Into the Dark Ages
By: Rachel UnCaren Rochester officials are bracing for our latest descent into the dark ages, when God next deigns to blot out the Sun in early April. In a stunning rebuke of atheism, the Lord Himself will intervene in mortal affairs to briefly roll a sphere in front of another, larger sphere, in a game […]
April Fools
The Catholic Times Presents: ‘Ulysses’ by James Joyce, Part I
We are proud to introduce our new fiction serial, “The Catholic Times Presents,” which will feature history’s greatest novels in weekly portions. Read More
April Fools
Freshman Class To Include Farm Animals
This incoming class will be the largest and most diverse group of students yet, and include a whole new demographic never seen before. Read More
athletics
Football team’s newfound mediocrity threatens beloved losing tradition
Five wins in a season threatens to undermine the UR’s historic losing tradition, disgracing George Eastman’s legacy beyond compare. Read More
April Fools
CT Eats: Water meat
We sat down with Rochester Chief of Police David M. Smith and the police SCUBA team responsible for pulling bodies out of Rochester’s briny waters to try out the flavors of the season. Read More
April Fools
Laser Lab announces new partnership with local humane society
The LLE has partnered with Lollypop Farm to provide a fun, mentally stimulating activity for their many cats. Read More
April Fools
CT Retiring Print Edition in Favor of Granite Monolith
Following the discovery of a towering granite monolith in downtown Rochester, stone tablature is making a comeback statewide. Read More
April Fools
UR to turn Mount Hope Cemetery into world’s largest parking lot
The $75 million dollar project will create the largest continuous parking lot in the world, with a capacity of over 22,000 vehicles. Read More
April Fools
Clinton Foundation Announces $1B for Adrenochrome Research
The donation will transform the nation’s understanding of adrenochrome’s potential for anti-aging and brain-maximizing properties. Read More
