By: Rachel Caret

The Catholic Times will be retiring their monthly print edition in favor of a more traditional technology: the stone slab.

Following the discovery of a towering granite monolith in downtown Rochester, stone tablature is making a comeback statewide. The monolith, which emits an eerie hum imperceptible to anyone over the age of 25, currently displays no ill will towards humanity.

CT Editor-in-Chief Flint Fredstone looks forward to the renaissance of stone-based literature, and believes that carved news will take journalism to new heights — and depths. 

“We’ve realized that in today’s fast-paced world, people want news that lasts,” Fredstone said early Tuesday, during a press conference that could’ve been an email. “And what lasts longer than granite?”

There’s something undeniably majestic about seeing the day’s headlines carved into a colossal stone obelisk, said Fredstone, who continues to deny that the monolith is an ominous portent of the imminent death of mankind. Already, he’s received overwhelming support from the three geriatric readers of the CT who can’t remember how to navigate to an Internet browser, nevermind unlock a computer.

The groundbreaking shift away from print is expected to furnish the pockets of multiple New York State quarries, alongside anyone with a degree in ancient Egyptian history, who may finally be able to put their knowledge of hieroglyphics to literally any use. 

Bookstores are similarly expected to sell out of rock and rock-pun related media, as journalists struggle to find even a scrap of joy in their soul-crushingly pathetic attempts to be even slightly funny for a one-off joke article.

Not everyone is thrilled about the shift from pulp to petrified. Readers are advised to reinforce their coffee tables and floors before consumption, and reporters are advised to re-up their accidental death and dismemberment insurance.

Still, Fredstone and his editorial team remain optimistic about the future of high-impact, hard-hitting news. Starting early next week, the CT will be accepting applications for stonecutters, stone carvers, and other stone-based artisans. 

Anyone looking to interpret on behalf of the humming monolith is also encouraged to apply.

 

Caret is getting sick of coming up with witty one-liners.



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