By: Anonymous Meat Enthusiast

Here at the Catholic Times, we believe in non-GMO, farm-to-table, cruelty-free meat. That’s why we sat down with Rochester Chief of Police David M. Smith and the police SCUBA team responsible for pulling bodies out of Rochester’s briny waters to try out the flavors of the season.

Smith decided to go with a pan sear, which he said “adds a wonderful crisp bark to an otherwise limp and soggy cutlet.” After slaving over the stove for what felt like hours, the air was fresh with the smell of decay.

Smith plated a portion for himself, myself, and the SCUBA team. We sat down at a candlelit banquet table, dressed with a fresh white tablecloth. Before we could reach for our forks, Smith threw a bucket of reservoir water over the table to “add to the authenticity.” The tablecloth was ruined, and each steak was sitting in a quarter inch of water. Smith was unphased.

I cut into the meat, and it fell apart, similar to pulled pork. But the only thing tenderizing this was rot. I tentatively placed the smallest piece of meat I could cut onto my tongue. It was funky, and a little sour, almost like a bad whiskey. I was entranced. The tainted water all over my plate was like a delicately crafted au jus, pairing perfectly with the meat. I was sure to thank Smith profusely for the invitation. He reminded me that there’s plenty more where that came from, and that I’m always welcome. 

I left Smith’s home with a full stomach and a lot of suspicions about dinner. The SCUBA team seemed all too comfortable with their boss’s cooking. Was this a tradition? Has this happened before? Hopefully, I will never be the wiser. 

Enthusiast traveled to Rochester for this experience.


You are an absolute buffoon. I’m crying from laughing as I type this, just imagining your dumbfounded face. How could you fall for this?

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