By: George Vander-Swag

The UR football team went 55 this year, demonstrating rarely-seen competence in their chosen field. While more wins might seem like it would be a good thing, five wins in a season threatens to undermine the UR’s historic losing tradition, disgracing George Eastman’s legacy beyond compare.

“Obviously it feels good to win,” said Head Coach Chad Martinovich. “But it would feel better to know that we’re respecting those who came before us.”

Midway through the season, our esteemed Yellowjackets had a record of 52 with three games left to play.

“Our team meeting the next day was the first time we really thought about our record,” shared senior Myke Bahl. “Once it was brought to our attention, we all knew we had to do our part to uphold the traditions of our university.”

And, somehow, they pulled it off, going 03 to finish out the season with a masterful show of dropped passes and missed opportunities.

“I’m really proud of what they did out there, and I know that everyone else is too,” Martinovich said.

While we admire the sentiment, the team’s record before the hasty course correction is a worrying sign for the next few years. If their inattention leads to a winning record next year, it would be an indignity UR hasn’t suffered since 1953.

When asked about these fears, the team reassured us that the current underclassmen had been forced to compete in numerous Kahoots on what to do in case of any future wins, with the overall loser unceremoniously booted into the river.

“We take our team legacy very seriously,” added Bahl.

Only time will tell the fate of our beloved football team, but at least for now we will have to be satisfied with promises of future decline.


Vander-Swag will attend his first football game next season.

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