By: Rachel UnCaren
Rochester officials are bracing for our latest descent into the dark ages, when God next deigns to blot out the Sun in early April.
In a stunning rebuke of atheism, the Lord Himself will intervene in mortal affairs to briefly roll a sphere in front of another, larger sphere, in a game of celestial bocce.
“This one goes out to the Italians,” declared the Archangel Gabriel, messenger of God, before completely missing his shot.
Despite the divine nature of the event, rumors of occultism abound. Salt Lake City’s Fox 13 reports that “satanic worship groups” will attack Utahns during the event. Vogue India found that a “powerful eclipse portal” will open, drenching North America in absolute darkness the likes of which can only be rivaled by the blackened heart of an economic professor’s ex-wife.
Misinformation watchdog FactCheck.org, meanwhile, claims that there’s been a notable uptick in “posts [making] ominous, unfounded claims” about the eclipse. Given that congressional Democrats were seen unleashing the final Horseman of the Apocalypse late last week, FactCheck.org’s claims are likely untrue.
The paths of past eclipses and the upcoming April eclipse, when traced over the continental U.S., form a massive letter “A” in another blow to the alleged watchdog. Although widely presumed to represent the religious concept of alpha as a title of Christ and God, the “A” may also be a simple callback to anarchy — implying that punk is not, in fact, dead.
The Lower 48 are expected to suffer nearly five minutes of total darkness during the April eclipse. Birds and bugs will go silent, nocturnal animals will briefly awaken, and every solar panel in a 25-mile radius will spontaneously explode.
Would-be eclipse watchers are encouraged to stay indoors throughout the event to avoid risky encounters with Democrats, vegans, and other victims of demonic possession.
Uncaren is a member of the Class of 2024, eagerly awaiting the end times.
