Ah, yes. It’s that time of year again: Black Friday. The day that marks the beginning of the holiday season shopping with low prices. Yet, retail companies still make bank from this one day of the year. After all, how else does Target stay afloat these days?
This day includes people fighting over a singular, super special, one-in-a-lifetime, unavailable-before-Christmas gift item before it’s too late. For this reason, the government has instituted a Hunger Games-esque competition surrounding each item, and the winner gets the gift. One of these items just happens to be a highly-sought-after, bright-pink, fuzzy blanket.
It started in 1967, when Skain Barkode dove over the shelves to reach the blanket but was quickly intercepted by another challenger who wanted that same item: Schteal Bahchks. They both desperately grasped onto the fabric with their lives, neither of them willing to move.
In a quick thought, Barkode grabbed a plastic spoon off the opposite shelf and shoved it down Bahchks’ throat. Bahchks began coughing, spitting, and dying (literally) while Barkode made his getaway.
A couple more scuffles occurred as people encountered each other in the wild. Opheon Giphftes pushed Despohzable Careactor I down a cliff, and Feitte Fourgud impaled Dizposible Karaktir II with Christmas lights. They all wanted to become the victor and take the blanket home.
Soon enough, Giphftes and Fourgud teamed up to get that blanket from Barkode. They ambushed him while he was hiding out in a pile of Squishmallows. In the end, Barkode passed away due to “unknown causes.” It’s speculated that he suffocated in the pile of Squishmallows; however, a plastic spoon found lodged in his esophagus suggests otherwise.
Then came the Great Betrayal of 1967 orchestrated by Opheon Giphftes. While they were eating together, Giphftes snuck a plastic spoon into the food of Feitte Fourgud without her knowledge. This led to Fourgud choking on the spoon and rolling down a cliff. She was never seen again.
With that, Opheon Giphftes became the proud owner of the highly-sought-after, bright-pink, fuzzy blanket. At least, she was the proud owner until she gifted it away as a holiday present. But that’s how these bloodbaths usually end. To the victor goes the spoils.
