The process of claiming a seat during meal time rush hours can be quite the hassle. If done incorrectly, it can result in you not having a place to sit or even worse — death. As a result, we’re here to teach you how to claim and defend your dining table to have a comfortable, peaceful meal experience.
Now, you may be inclined to think that a backpack and jacket on your seat is enough to claim and defend your table. That would be your first mistake. If someone were to walk by and their hand accidentally slips and yoinks your stuff, you’ll probably find yourself in the same situation as not even having a table. Despite the value your backpack and jacket have to you, your backpack and jacket can’t defend intruders from taking your table. You’ll need something stronger, something more power — something with a proper “hmph” to it.
To scare away the level one lowly thieves who want to steal your claimed table, your average party setup can do the trick. When someone comes into a too-close proximity of your claimed table, just get your lights, speakers, and confetti cannons to explode into a weekend night rave. The sudden flashing lights and loud sounds will startle and the confetti cannons will stun the thief enough for your table to be safe.
But wait, now they’re back again, and this time, they won’t fall for your little party tricks (literally). This is when you bring in the big bois. First, you’ll need to use an American-made, man-powered anti-tank system: FGM-148 Javelin. These things can reach an altitude of 150 meters (490 feet) and a distance of 2,500 meters (8,200 feet) while traveling at a speed of 540 kilometers/hour (335 miles-per-hour). They use an infrared homing system to guide the missile. So, your table thief can run all they want, but they probably can’t outrun or hide from it.
But now I can hear you asking, “What if they decide to take you by air?” Don’t fret in your jean shorts, for this is where RIM-116 Rolling Airframe Missiles (RAM) come into play. They are capable of a distance of nine kilometers (five and six-tenths miles) while flying at a speed of 2,500 kilometers/hour (1,500 miles-per-hour). However, unfortunately for you, these missiles only engage their guiding system when in the air. Thus, you’ll need a U.S. Navy ship’s tracking system to help fire the missile. That’s simple though and worth it when it comes to defending your table. With all these billions of dollars of weaponry, there’s no way anyone can get close enough to your table to steal it from you. Your bank account might start looking like the U.S. debt too. It’s a win-win situation.
If all else fails and you are still facing table-lessness, you can build yourself a brand new table, furnished with the best wood from IKEA. People’s eyes will no longer be drawn to your food, but instead your table. With this solution, you’ll never find yourself without a table anymore, and you can enjoy your dining experience in peace.
