As of the date of publication, today is Feb. 19 in the year of our Lord (2023). This is a date that nearly everyone can understand, as it adheres to the widely accepted Gregorian calendar. But time is relative and the only reason why it works is we all agree to perpetuate the same lie. There are rules to keep us all on the same page of this lie, but the rules are confusing. 

This year, Feb. 19 is a Sunday. In 2025, the date will fall on a Wednesday. It’s predictable, but not with ease, as there is no continuity between the days of the week and the number of the day. I like to think of this as unnecessary chaos in an already tumultuous world.

Holidays add another layer of needless complexity, by throwing gasoline on this dumpster fire. While Valentine’s Day is always on Feb. 14, Thanksgiving is on the what, third Thursday of every November? This makes no sense — and anyone telling you otherwise is clearly a lunatic. 

I have many issues with Daylight Savings as well, since it also adds to the confusion and dismay. It makes winters even darker? And it happens at two in the morning? 

Picture this: I’m awake and doing work in Gleason. I look over and time jumps by an hour? Am I trapped in this psychic prison, where not even time is real, sentenced to fail solving basic integrals for all of eternity? No, it’s just Daylight Savings and I am a husk of my former self.

Here’s the solution: scrap Daylight Savings and add an extra month.

Another month would mean each of the 13 total months has 28 days, adding up to 364 days a year. “But Bryan, that’s not how many days are in a year,” I hear you say, to which I respond, “Hold on! I’m getting there!” We just add another day, separate from all the other months. Call it “New Year’s Day” and when it’s time for a leap year, make it two days! I see absolutely nothing wrong with this plan. 

There are oh-so many benefits to this scheme. For starters, the days of the week no longer change relative to the number of the days. The first of every month will forever be a Monday. And by the way, Sunday will be the last day of the week, as it is part of the “weekend” and should thus be at the end of the week. This model strives for simplicity and efficiency. Plans can be made with ease and the 500-year-old Gregorian calendar will be nothing more than a soon to be forgotten nightmare.

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