Listen up, folks. We’re six whole weeks into the first semester, and it’s time to prepare yourself for the worst.
I’m not talking about midterms, or the inevitable Rochester Snowpocalypse that’s bound to hit any day now. No, I’m talking about some next-level shit. Something we prepare ourselves for year after year, and yet we are constantly rendered defenseless against its vicious attack.
That’s right, folks, I’m talking about “The ’itis.”
As you may have noticed, six weeks is just about how long it takes for the average freshman to truly settle in on campus. And, not so surprisingly, it is also at this point that the new batch of germs they brought with them begins to disperse itself, making sure to fester in every nook and cranny around campus.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sarah, what credentials could you possibly have to support such a profound theory?” Well, I can’t get into the science of such a sophisticated statement now, but trust me, it’s a fact.
But anyway, I’m not here to lecture you on the germiness of college freshmen, we’re all pretty aware of that. Instead, I’m here to warn the men of this campus to watch their backs because this strain of “The ‘itis,” commonly referred to as the “Man Cold,” appears to be debilitating men all across the nation.
In fact, my close friend Radley Blazeher, one of the first afflicted by the dreaded “Man Cold” this season, so eloquently stated, “A man with this type of fever is suffering a pain far more substantial than that of a woman in labor. But don’t quote me on that.”
Well. Bold statement there, Radley.
Honestly though, I’m just here to help everyone recognize the symptoms before it is too late. It’s quite simple, and really it’s almost astonishing, that the symptoms of the “Man Cold” are almost entirely identical to those of the common cold we women seem to contract.
In fact, on the surface the mere sneezing, coughing and moderate fever of the afflicted might lead you to believe that he has come down with a simple cold, or even seasonal allergies.
However, of the reported cases of this season’s ghastly “Man Cold,” there appears to be severe side effects, including non-stop whining and excessive loogie-hocking.
Clearly, their suffering cannot be contained.
What’s even worse, and really quite tragic, is that this debilitating illness has so far been reported to be almost entirely incurable.
You might ask why. Well, let me tell you.
New and completely credible scientific research indicates that past attempts of treatment have been unsuccessful. This is due to a recently discovered Y chromosomal gene that appears to inhibit men from seeking any medical attention due to their stubborn refusal to ask for any help, ever.
I guess they’ll have to keep relying on that expired DayQuil they found in last year’s toiletry bag.
Now, what can we do to help?
It appears to be pretty obvious that nothing can be done other than to fight effortlessly to make their suffering heard (even though they seem to be doing a pretty good job of that on their own).