Christian Cieri, Illustrator
Dear Chris: I’m in this class and I absolutely love it. However, there aren’t any other classes related to it so this will be it. What should I do?
-From, Passionate
Chris: Well, when people are really in love with something, they will do crazy things. That’s why I say that you should just try to fail it at this point so you can take it again. Also, professors can be very understanding in a situation like this. I’d say go to their office hours and really emphasize how you’ve been really doing the work for the class, and that your efforts might be too good.
Dear Chris: I saw my girlfriend kissing another guy for about an hour. It was really aggressive. She then texted me that she was in love with the same guy she was kissing. Is it over?
-Sincerely, Crushed.
Chris: Crushed, I’d say have a little trust for heaven’s sake. There has to be some sort of explanation for this. For example, maybe she fell into a deep sleep and needed someone to kiss her in order for her to wake up. Or maybe they were simply giving French kissing a go for the first time. As for the text, she is clearly testing your faithfulness and loyalty. If all else fails, remember this: love is a transitive verb. Meaning that the transitive property applies to love. If you were a good match for your girlfriend, and she is a good match for this new guy,you a must be a good match for this guy too.
Dear Chris: I am a freshman guy, and there’s this wild senior girl that I really like. My friend says that she is a cougar. Is she a cougar?
-Thanks for the help, Inquisitive
Chris: I actually had to look up the reference just so I could be up to date with the lingo that you kids use these days. To be fair, there isn’t anything wrong with being a cougar. You and your friend should treat her with respect just like you would any living creature. That being said, I do question your judgement just a little. Being near a cougar can be dangerous, as it’s one of the most agile ambush predators. You should probably stay away from this wild cougar and report it to your local zoo.
Dear Chris: There’s a hole in the bottom of my new shoes, and I don’t have the materials to fix it.
-Thanks, This Guy Needs Fixing
Chris: You can always take it back to the store to see if they can look into it.
Dear Chris: I jammed my thumb playing basketball, and I tried icing it but it isn’t getting any better.
-Best regards, Jammed
Chris: I remember the last time I jammed a finger, but I was fine on the other hand. Just remember this four letter mnemonic device RICE when treating severe swelling: rest, ice, chopsticks, enjoy.
Dear Chris: I failed my test for a class regarding the history of the Beatles.
-From, Hopeless Jude
Chris: Hey Jude, don’t be afraid, and just let it be. If you are really down about it, I could probably get you by with a little help from my friends. Try studying eight days a week. And I’ve got a feeling that your long, long, long wait for success won’t be something you could only imagine.
Dear Chris: I need some help. I am an editor for my school’s newspaper, and I need some articles to fill the space. Any ideas?
-From, Concerned
Chris: Well, Concerned, I probably wouldn’t be the guy to ask that question.
Horgan is a member of
the class of 2017.
