Yes, the rumors are true.
The Food and Drug Administration plans to ban the alcoholic beverage Four Loko throughout New York State by the end of the month.
This beverage has recently acquired national attention due to its supposedly dangerous combination of the following ingredients: Guarana, Taurine, Caffeine, cough syrup, battery acid, turpentine, crystal meth, amphetamines, methamphetamines, factory run-off and, lastly, alcohol.
Although the product is undoubtedly dangerous on paper, nobody seems to care.
“Four Loko is totally not bad for you at all,” senior Peter Weng confidently exclaimed after finishing his second Four Loko. “I’m pre-med, so I know what’s up and I know that it’s awesome. Four Loko gets you all veiny and jacked and ready for a hot, sweaty night of dancing and creeping on chicks.”
As it turns out, students aren’t the only people blowing their money on the product.
Strong Memorial Hospital has recently spent millions of dollars in researching the health risks associated with Four Loko.
“It gets you really fucked up,” cardiologist Dr. Firstname Horwitz said. “We tested it on rhesus monkeys in the lab and they responded quite negatively. They initially displayed hyperactive and energetic behavior followed by a long period of furious masturbation. After this, the monkeys exhibited bouts of extreme anger and aggression that ultimately resulted in every subject’s death. Needless to say, we do not recommend consuming this beverage. Ever.”
Three fraternity brothers at Ohio State University invented the drink in an attempt to “rage just a little harder.” In an interview immediately after hearing of the ban, Four Loko founder, Phusion Projects CEO and horrible speller David Jaffee, explained his side of the story.
“Listen man, so here’s the deal,” a buzzed Jaffee exclaimed. “It is Tuesday night and you’re about to go out and party. But you’re so tired because you’ve been in class all day learning about stupid maths and shit. You don’t have time to drink coffee and then go pound some brews. You don’t have time. You need energy and booze. And you need them now, at the same time! Don’t you get it? It’s booze and energy, at the same time! How can it be bad for you? Ahhh!” Jaffee screamed as he ripped his shirt off and punted his fifth can of Four Loko straight into the wall.
The next day, Jaffee released a statement to the press.
“It is with regret that I today have to inform our customers that Four Loko will no longer be available in the United States … as a beverage,” he said. “But today, I am proud to introduce our new ‘Fore! Loko’ brand of golf cart fuel!”
As it turns out, Phusion Projects did not have to alter their recipe in the slightest to produce their new brand of high-octane golf cart fuel. “You’ll drive your golf cart so far, it’s Loko! Get it? It’s golf cart fuel! Ahh!” said Jaffee, ripping off his polo and punting a golf cart straight into the wall.
