On Sunday, I went out to breakfast with my friend Mike. As we walked by the track, I began to think, “What a coincidence, so many people are outside running today.” It turned out more than 20 track teams were at Fauver Stadium to test their running abilities.
We decided to head over to the stands and watch our friends run in a few races. One friend ran in the steeplechase and her performance was superb. However, I am still a little disappointed that I didn’t see any Irishmen riding horses on top of church steeples. You have to be careful while watching these races because you don’t want to be distracted for the five seconds that the runners pass by you. Our other friend competed in a long distance race and ended up passing everyone at the end. As a result, her Secretariat-esque performance left mine and Mike’s excitement going through the hoof.
But, there are a few events that I think could make track competitions even more exciting. The first event that track should adopt ought to be the 100 parking-meter dash. In this race, the athletes would have to run though the city of Rochester with a bag of quarters. The quickest contestant to refill 100 parking meters claims first prize. There would be no second place because second place is the first loser. Not only do the runners stay in shape, but any citizen who lost track of the time is now absolved from their forgetfulness.
The next event is a little tricky. The 1500 M&M hurdles forces the athlete to race around a track covered in M&M’s. If the runner can finish the race without crushing more than 1500 M&M’s, then it will make it easier for people to clean up the track. The new and improved pole vaulting rules require participants to take a 20 foot pole, usually made from fiber glass or carbon fiber, and fit it into a three by three foot vault.
The next race allows anyone who is not in the race to get a break from running. It’s a seven mile race that actually gives negative points to the first place finisher. If no one finishes the race in three hours, then every runner has to actually attend a math recitation.
In every relay race, runners must high five the next runner before he or she can take off. Then, the team must sit down in single file when the race is completed. If a team wins the race but is not the first team to all be sitting down, then they are not victors.
There should be other ways in which a team can score points. For example, a team should be awarded one point for every name that the commentator butchers.
Lastly, the only long-distance race I would add would be the smile.
“Hey Joe, what’s your smile time?”
“Right now, the muscles in my mouth aren’t in shape, but on a happy day I’d say around two to three minutes.”
I believe that these new additions to track and field would increase the total number of fans and athletes. And who knows, maybe someday colleges across the nation will race to include these radical changes into their invitations.
Horgan is a member of the class of 2017
