As department picnic season quickly approaches, so does a very real threat faced by students across all schools and programs: faculty kids. Sure, they might seem innocuous (if, perhaps, a little unnerving), but the faculty child is no ordinary child-stranger. I would know. I once stood in their tiny light-up Sketchers.
The stakes of talking with a faculty kid feel higher. It’s one thing to embarrass yourself in front of a kid you’re babysitting — what are they gonna do, tell their parents? You only see those people for a few minutes total at the start and end of the night. But by saying something stupid in front of a faculty kid, there’s a very real chance your flub makes it to the next dinner table conversation, and you’ll forever become “the student who mistook the professor’s 14-year-old for a college freshman.”
Of course, there are two sides to this coin. If you can cement yourself as a favorite of a faculty kid, the next time you ask for your third extension in a row, your professor will remember how you spent 40 minutes nodding along as their kid recounted the plot of “KPop Demon Hunters” in excruciating detail, and give you more leeway than you probably deserve.
Keeping this in mind, the following advice will aid you not just in making it through the department holiday party, but also your class, your grad program, and consequently, the rest of your life.
1. Identifying a faculty child
Faculty children really come in three main archetypes: the clinger, the precocious professor, and the lone wolf.
The clinger will always be found glued to one of its parents and won’t seem very interested in talking to strangers. Should you be able to establish a rapport with the clinger, you will become its parent’s favorite person within a one-mile radius. It’s not that the professor doesn’t want their kid around, it’s just that they’re conscious of the painful, awkward aura emanating from their spawn.
Fortunately, the clinger seems to have a habit of finding its way back to its parents on its own. If you have kept it occupied for a socially-acceptable amount of time, you can “accidentally” let it slink back to the clingable leg from whence it came.
The next archetype to watch out for is the precocious professor, or the “PreProf,” as we experts call it. It’s possible that a shy PreProf might be mistaken for a clinger, but you won’t know until it’s too late. Once a PreProf has you in its clutches, there’s very little hope left for escape. The precocious professor is unique in that it believes itself an expert in anything related to its parent’s field of research — and not without reason. It’s very possible that the child genuinely does have a better understanding of your field than you — provided that you don’t discuss anything outside its parent’s very niche specialty.
You’re usually safe to ask a few questions that challenge its understanding of the field, but don’t take things too far, or you could make it feel stupid. It is still just a kid, after all. When possible, steer the conversation to something that it has its own expertise in, such as Pokémon, Halloween candy, or the best fart noise techniques. Of course, this isn’t to give PreProfs a bad rap. The older variety often have genuinely interesting and unique thoughts if you listen.
The PreProf loves to talk, and if it takes to you, will almost certainly put in a good word on the car ride home. I’ve been told that PreProfs often grow out of being insufferable know-it-alls and become very funny and interesting adults who often hold important positions such as campus newspaper copy chief. Not that I would know anything about that …
The final archetype of this group, the lone wolf, is most commonly found between the ages of 12 and 16. It didn’t ask to be at this party/picnic/dinner — it’s been coming to these events since before it could walk. It’s very rare to earn the trust of a lone wolf, so don’t despair if it seems uninterested in you. The task of befriending the lone wolf isn’t well-suited to upperclassmen or those in two-year master’s programs — lone wolves don’t often show much enthusiasm for department events, so when it does muster up the courage to ask a parent if a particular student will be attending, it will be difficult for it to hear that they graduated without saying goodbye. Similarly to the clinger, by earning a lone wolf’s trust, you may end up with a second shadow for the rest of the picnic.
2. Do not rat them out
Remember that you, as a student, are closer to the role of an older sibling than a caretaker to the campus brats roaming the school. No, you did not see the kid nab an extra cookie from the table, or a can of Sprite from the cooler after their parents established a no-soda rule.
I’m not a parent, but I do have related expertise in that I was once a child myself. Often these little acts of rebellion are the sole moments where kids enjoy themselves at these adult-focused functions. I personally see no harm in letting a kid have that extra brownie behind Dr. Schmitt’s back, and I certainly won’t be the one to narc on a nine-year-old.
3. Find out what they’re interested in
Any professor’s kid will have a positive opinion of you if you just let it yap for long enough. I still have the media tastes of a 14-year-old, so I find that I can connect with kids by discussing shows like “Gravity Falls,” “The Owl House,” or “Avatar.” However, if you don’t want to watch the new “Descendants” movie as a pre-picnic assignment, try and see if it’s interested in sports, video games, or food. If worse comes to worst, just let them complain. Kids almost always have strong feelings on unfair teachers, annoying classmates, gross foods, and many other injustices. With these topics at your disposal, you’ll be having an animated conversation in no time.
4. Oh no
So you’ve found yourself stuck in an animated conversation with a faculty kid and you just spotted your friend/classmate pull up to the function. You kick into conversation-leaving autopilot. You smile and nod a lot, agree with whatever is said, and start to shuffle toward your friend. Except … this 11-year-old doesn’t quite get social cues. And then they start to follow you. You had wanted to ask your friend about his date on Friday. Here’s what you do:
Clingers are the easiest to ditch — often, all you have to do is ask it if it wants to find its parent. Realizing that it was abandoned 20 minutes ago, the clinger will promptly ask you to help it find its family again.
PreProfs are tricky. On the one hand, you can usually offload it onto members of another conversation going on nearby. But it’s important for the PreProf not to feel like you want to get rid of it. If the parent isn’t available, I have found that the best tactic is to scout out another professor or a friendly-looking student and join in the conversation — PreProf in tow. After you escape undetected, try to catch up with your friend on the juicy gossip quickly, as it’s very possible that the PreProf will find you again as soon as it gets bored.
I’m accepting suggestions for skillfully escaping lone wolves. The easiest solution that I’ve found so far is to just mention that you’ve seen a friend you want to speak with and walk away. Most of the time, the lone wolf won’t even try to follow you, it’ll just retreat sadly to a picnic table and pull a book from its bag. As you enjoy your child-free chat, feel free to ask for more details about how Noah’s date progressed. But know that you will find yourself glancing over at the lone wolf every few minutes with a small ache that you can’t quite place.
Whatever you do, don’t try to offload faculty kids onto other children or their siblings. It’s possible that a one-and-a-half-year difference in age means that 11-year-old Emma is way too cool and mature for 9-year-old Aidan. In regards to siblings, these poor kids have to deal with each other every single day. Don’t make it Amelia’s problem that Oliver won’t leave you alone. The kids, and their parents, will appreciate it.
5. Be ready to do it all over again!
Regardless of which type of campus brat you encounter, you will never again know peace at a department function after one decides it likes you. On the bright side, this is a good way to classically condition a professor: they will quickly grow to associate your presence with peace and quiet, and associate your absence with dread. The bigger issue is that word will quickly spread around the department that you are a Child Whisperer. Moving forward, the chances of a child being placed in your temporary care will only increase.
Good luck!
