By: Pete Moss and his son Forest

Walter Mellon, tenured professor of Computer Science, was quietly relieved of his duties earlier this week due to his “unwavering refusal to adhere to outdated gender stereotypes,” Computer Science Department Chair Michael L. Scott announced.

The administration apologized Sunday for hiring Mellon in the first place following protests by STEM majors against his equitable approach to education.

“We hired him following a teaching demonstration in which he seemed to perfectly embody the values of our university,” Dean Jeffrey Runner wrote. “Obviously we were wrong.”

Runner was referring to a mock lesson in which Mellon refused to take questions from female students, and joked that many would not be intelligent enough to keep up with his class.

“I was all set to continue teaching the way I did in my demo,” Mellon confessed. “But when I got home, my grandma was standing in the doorway, practically shaking with rage.” Mellon went on to detail how she grabbed his ear and forced him to recite her outdated gender equality beliefs until he had no choice but to teach like he believed them.

“I shouldn’t have caved, but I couldn’t help it,” he continued. “You would have too.”

The controversy began when Mellon refused to refer to Ada Lovelace as the “assistant” of Charles Babbage, instead teaching students about her critical role in the development of computational theory. Matters escalated when he refused to be weird to female students who attended office hours, a move that reportedly “confused and alarmed” his peers.

Students were equally troubled by his teaching. Junior Philip Buckit, who was in his advanced class, said the professor grading womens’ work fairly made him uncomfortable.

“I shouldn’t have to sit in a class taught by someone who so blatantly disregards the values of this University,” Buckit said.

After meeting with like-minded students, Buckit set up a protest against Mellon, which was attended by every male STEM student on campus.

“We’re so happy that so many people turned out to fight for what they believed in,” Buckit said.

In response to the growing backlash, UR’s board has announced the formation of a committee to keep “modern ideas” like gender equality out of the hallowed halls of the CS Department. This committee will also explore new hiring criteria to ensure that future faculty members possess the “appropriate level of bias” deemed necessary for the role.

Professor Mellon remains optimistic about his future. “Eventually I’ll find somewhere to teach where grandma can’t find me,” he said.

The news of Mellon’s dismissal was met with widespread celebration.

“I’m excited for classes to return to what they’ve always been,” Buckit said. “It’s comforting to know our voices have been heard, and that women’s will go unheard once again.”

Pete and his son Forest dedicate this article to the only woman they know, Walter Mellon’s grandma.

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