What it says in the title.

1. Your friends worry about you:

a) Yes and they tell me.

b) Yes but they won’t tell me but I can tell and I’m not going to ask them.

c) Friends…right…

d) No?

2. What have you eaten so far today?

a) Water flavored with caffeine and possibly other tastes. But mostly caffeine.

b) The dining halls have cereal all day and if Sarah C. Mangelsdorf didn’t intend for man to live on Cheerios alone, she should’ve said something.

c) A fly lurks in the remnants of last month’s houseplants (deceased). I look at him. He looks at me. We both know what comes next.

d) A healthy two meals at noon and 6 p.m. For some reason I just can’t stomach food in the morning.

3. Classes?

a) I am swimming so hard but the pool is lava. I either sink or burn.

b) The homework is getting done? If I can keep up this deception (being a functioning student), then no one will see how much of a fraud I am (unbelievably burnt out).

c) I spend 95% of my outside time in lecture halls. Are they my courses? Am I learning anything? Do I wake up sometimes having slept for over 20 hours and miss entire days? Who knows. 

d) They’re going pretty well. I like having things to focus on.

4. Do you do laundry

a) no

b) no

c) no

d) Yeah

Is there even a point to this. Yeah, I’m depressed, you’re depressed, we all crave nothing but oblivion. Do you need a quiz to tell yourself that hating being alive every morning isn’t normal? Life is a curse and existence is a prison. Isn’t it a little fucked up that I have to look at other people having a good time on Instagram to convince myself that life is worth trying?

5. How would you describe your mental health?

a) All over the place. I’m riding the rollercoaster but at least it’s still on track.

b) I’m just trying to outpace the burnout. 

c) Bad.

d) Um, I’d have to think about that one to tell you. It doesn’t usually bother me? I don’t really think about it.


If you got a majority of a), you are: depressed. 

If you got a majority of b), you are: depressed. 

If you got a majority of c), you are: depressed.

If you got a majority of d), you are: depressed. What, you don’t think overworking is a form of self-harm? Your problems aren’t harming you yet because they’re just piling up. You may be stable, but your baseline is misery.

What a surprise.

For mental health resources, contact UCC. No one needs to suffer alone.

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