[Author’s note: I would like to formally apologize in advance for every word contained herein.]

The very first time I fell in love, it was Christmas Day. It sounds like a Hallmark movie, but that’s the truth. And cliche as it sounds, it was love at first sight. I saw them from across the room — dark, slender, the light seeming to dance off their features — think Edward Cullen. (ADMIT IT, HE’S YOUR DREAM GUY.) Well, you know how they describe it. One look, and suddenly it wasn’t about “I” or “me” anymore.

For the first time in my life, it was about Wii.

Hiya, friends. I’m Caden Dillon, and despite Brian David Gilbert’s best efforts, I remain immune to the sexual attractiveness of others. My understanding of romance is approximately 10% better, so this should be a fun ride. Readers, I give you: A complete history of my love life, from 2010 to present day.

Before we get going, however, I would like to address the common misconception that asexual people do not desire romantic relationships. This is, in fact, untrue. But don’t just take my word for it — let the most trusted source on the internet, WikiHow, back me up. Let’s see, “How To Know If You’re In Love (With Pictures)” — can’t imagine a future without them (who wants to live in a world without Mario Kart?), can’t go a few hours without thinking of them (gaming addiction go brrr), truly value their opinions (“let’s a-go” opened my eyes to a whole new philosophy) — all the signs are accounted for. That’s science.

So, before I continue, allow me to make sure we’re absolutely clear on this point. Asexuals can and do experience romantic attraction. Aromantics don’t play video games. Also, if your partner is hot, you should probably check their ventilation system.

2010: To start from the beginning: Yes, I was in a relationship with my Wii at age six. No, it wasn’t weird. Why do I have to keep explaining this to everyone? It was a beautiful thing. That Christmas was the best day of my life. It wasn’t weird at all. I can still smell the freshness of the controller grips like it was yesterday. Definitely not weird.

2013: Three years’ time have not diminished my love for the Wii, but our relationship is far from static. In fact, we’ve expanded to a polycule. Now the Wii, Wii U, and Xbox 360 are my lovers — triple value! Things are great until the 360 gets jealous and breaks things off. Chaos ensues.

Shortly after, I become disillusioned with the societal expectation of single-platform dating and enter into a queerplatonic relationship with Minecraft.

2017: You know how they say the best parts of a relationship are the little things? Curling up in a blanket together on a cold winter’s day, going on walks, sharing a hammock in the evening sun, that sort of claptrap? Now, with the versatile new Nintendo Switch™ console, I can finally experience true emotional intimacy. And you can, too, for just $299.99! (Price does not include sales tax and may vary by region.)

2019: My dad finds this sketchy NES knock-off at the mall and tries to set us up on a blind date. I spend the entire time wondering what kind of diseases it has, then run home to the metaphorical arms of mi amor, the Switch. Incidentally, I am just now realizing the vast wealth of innuendos available to me with this particular console name. But I cling to the last shreds of my dignity: I must dominate my impulses. (Not in that way. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

Here, now: And that’s the story. Well, most of it. I recently broke up with the Wii — after replacing my old TV with a projector setup, I was forced to acknowledge we just aren’t compatible. But the Switch and I have been going steady for almost six years now, and my mental health has never been better. It’s a wholesome relationship. Maybe if you tried cuddling with your game consoles, you’d like it too. I mean it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it. Nothing weird about it.

Hey, at least it’s not sexual. Now shut up.

*The origins of Valentine’s Day are uncertain. To the best of my knowledge, the holiday was invented in 2014 to mark the anniversary of the Year of Luigi, but it’s possible the “Valentine’s” epithet was appropriated from an earlier festival related to JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. However, the CT editors tell me it’s about love and romance or something, and although I question whether they knew what they were getting into when they allowed me to write about it, I did my very best and you are not permitted to judge me on the results, which incidentally I take no responsibility for. Kapeesh?

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