1. Cops arrested a suspect as he was driving around in a child’s bright pink toy car. The man is expected to be sentenced—to a very long timeout.
2. Research has determined that Disney movies “send the wrong message to children as they downplay the struggles of the poor.” But it’s okay to believe that animals can talk.
3. A Harlem postal cop fired his gun after being spooked by a rat in a city post office. The gun said, “That’s not what happened. I quit.”
4. A woman opened up a can of green beans only to find a decapitated snake’s head inside. 10 points were immediately awarded to Gryffindor.  
5. The record for most children born to one woman is 69. Feodor Vassilyev gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. Her husband looked more surprised when they awarded him the record for “Most Broken Condoms.”
6. President Obama and Michelle Obama recently met with a 106-year-old woman. The woman said that this was the most exciting thing she’d experienced since the Revolutionary War ended.  
7. A top-five list of the happiest cities in the U.S. was recently released with Naples, Florida holding the number one spot for this notoriously competitive honor. The other four cities were surprisingly okay with not being number one.
8. The country of Cambodia has reportedly purchased a $40,000 toilet for the upcoming visit of a Thai princess, despite announcing that once the princess left, the toilet would be destroyed. The immediate destruction of the $40,000 toilet has been under scrutiny, until you hear that they plan to serve Chipotle for dinner.
9. Senate Majority Leader and Republican Mitch McConnell said that the Senate would shoot down any nominee suggested by Barack Obama to fill the void Supreme Court seat. “This must be done fairly,” McConnell said. “We are doing this to make sure the right person is selected—not the left.”
10. YouTube user Paula Mendes has successfully taught her dog how to bark like a cat. This talent has come at a cost, however, as she can’t get her husband to quit peeing on fire hydrants.
11. Astronaut Scott Kelly has returned to Earth after becoming the first American to spend a year in space. This led some  to question: Is Earth not in space?
12. Police in Houston are asking people not to call them when their Facebook crashes. Said one of the first callers, “I don’t know, I was going about 14 MBps and I sort-of lost control.”
13. In an interview with CBS, Senator Lindsey Graham stated that Trump is “not the answer.” Any response would have been accepted, as the original questions was, “Who can guard Steph Curry?”