1. Pot infused pizza sauce is now coming in marijuana dispensaries.
This ensures that customers too, like the pizza, will be baked.
2. Two teens are being accused of drawing a 100 yard penis on a football field.
“It would have been bigger had it not been so cold out”, one teen said.
3. An American was busted for swimming to North Korea.
Living there might be a worse punishment than trespassing.
4. A boy spent hours in surgery to remove a chopstick that had been shoved up through his nose into his brain.
It’s “use your noodle” not “eat it”.
5. A woman gave birth on a Californian freeway.
Weeks earlier, a dog gave birth on the same freeway but was unfortunately ticketed for littering.
6. Toast that displays an image of Jesus was recently studied to win a Nobel award.
The only drawback is once you put the bread in, it takes three days for it to rise back up.
7. A grizzly bear caused a road to shutdown in Grand Teton Park.
Upon the bear’s request, cars could advance if “they promised to help prevent forest fire”.
8. A man accidently wet his pants while carrying out his marriage vows.
And then the priest turned and said, “Speak now or forever hold your pee.”
9. An ad in London is offering burgers that have the same taste and texture as human skin.
“You are what you eat” has been taken too literally.
10. Emma Watson graduated from Brown Univerity this summer.
Not bad for a muggle-born.
11. After losing part of her sweater after being bit by a dog, a woman is sueing it’s owner despite the owner offering to repair it.
Talk about biting off more than you can sew.
12. A bunch of men dressed up as the character “Waldo” found themselves in the middle of a fight on an escalator, right next to a giant Liam Neeson poster.
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will just start a random fight with you, Waldo.”
Horgan is a member of
the class of 2017.
