1. A family in North Dakota found, raised, then released two bunnies into the wild after finding them parentless in their backyard.
“We’ll take it from here,” said a hawk and two foxes.
2. Three rogue elephants in St. Louis reportedly damaged a car after escaping from a circus.
I suggest that they assemble a team of highly trained mice to keep these beasts in check.
3. 14 cocaine-filled condoms were intercepted on the way to the Vatican.
My message to the busted condom dealers—no matter how you interpret it, even a little crack in a condom won’t end well.
4. Two Massachusetts firefighters sang Frozen’s hit song, “Let it Go” to calm a girl stuck in an elevator.
This approach proved less effective while trying to save a twenty-year-old holding on to a rope on the side of a cliff.
5. New York City recently opened up their first cupcake vending machine.
Yet another invention helping heart surgeons everywhere be prosperous.
6. An Ohio firefighter proposed to his sweetheart during a staged school fire drill.
After being asked “Will you marry me?,” the woman replied, “Shh, no talking, we’re in a fire drill.”
7. A radio station in Canada angered its listeners after burning $5,000 dollars in cash.
This is also known as buying season tickets for the Philadelphia 76ers basketball team.
8. A woman with the same name as famous pilot Amelia Earhart has intentions of flying a plane around the world.
If at first you don’t succeed, just wait a century until someone with the same name as you tries again.
9. A Floridian claims to have had $2,000 dollars in goldfish stolen.
I don’t have too many details for this, but the whole thing sounds kind of fishy.
Horgan is a member of the class of 2017.
