Being someone who does not generally subscribe to hetero-normativity, writing my previous column about very “traditional” male-female relationships was a little out of character and not entirely in my comfort zone. For this reason, I’m even more thrilled than usual to delve into the subject of bi-curiosity this week.
In case you haven’t noticed, there is a massive double standard when it comes to bi-curiosity: While it’s more than socially acceptable for women to sexually experiment with other women, men experimenting with other men is generally frowned upon. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard men encourage two women to kiss or touch each other in some erotic way. On the other hand, I seem to be more or less alone in urging men to do the same.
If, for some reason, you find this hard to believe, take a look at any general porn website. While girl-on-girl videos are largely marketed toward a heterosexual male audience, guy-on-guy videos seem to be made exclusively for homosexual men. Of course, this could have more to do with the fact that the overwhelming majority of people who watch porn are men of any sexuality. I have no citation for this, but really, do I need one?
Evidence is abundant in the real world as well. Most college-aged women I know have had at least one rogue make-out session with another woman, despite normally courting guys. Sadly, I can count the number of similarly sexually-open men that I know on one hand — and I don’t even use all of my fingers.
The obvious question here is, why? From my own deductive reasoning and constant prying into the lives of those close to me, I’ve come to a conclusion that women are the ones most at fault. Girls clearly do not drool over bi-curious men the same way men drool over bi-curious women. Not only that, but experimentation between men is considered by many women to be a turn off. When I’ve asked these girls why they aren’t into it, they usually give a vague, noncommittal answer — that it’s weird or “not sexy”— something completely uninformative.
Again left to my own devices, I’ve attempted to work out what’s actually going on here. It seems to have a lot to do with the effect that homosexual tendencies can have on a man’s super important macho image. Women who want a traditional manly man — you know, strong, bearded, carnivorous — react adversely to any behavior that doesn’t fit that perfect image. If their dream guy has one potentially gay bone in his body, how can a girl know that he’ll save her from a rabid bear and not just run off screaming?
In attempting to explain this, it probably seems like I’ve been more hurtful than helpful to my own goals. But I honestly don’t think guys are going to read this and go, “Exactly! That’s why I don’t do it.” They’re thinking more along the lines of, “I just don’t like other dudes that way.”
From what I’ve seen, guys unfortunately are not encouraging girls away from hooking up with each other — the aversion is much deeper than that.
Still, I’m hoping it’s not a lost cause. Most typical straight women who have had any sort of intimate experience with another woman found it to be a positive experience. I can’t offer you any statistics, only a plethora of case studies (though I can’t really offer those either, because that would be rude). I’m not a man so I can’t say for sure, but I’m guessing guys are missing out on a similarly liberating, exciting opportunity. Sure in the end, it might not be your cup of tea, but you also can’t know until you’ve tried it.
I’m not saying you need to start considering right now whether you’re a top or a bottom, or head to Rite Aid for some anal lube. What you should do is honestly think about it and try not to be bogged down by the multitude of silly rules that society (or your peers or your parents) has imposed on you.
As unbelievable as it sounds, you might find that you have something to gain.
Bazarian is a member of the class of 2013.