In case you missed it, the world began falling apart this summer. Piece by piece, the system spiraled downward: College loan scams! Subprime mortgages failing! The stock market plummeting! New Orleans still a mess! Facebook removes the “Courses” section! Hillary Clinton! With each passing day, my frustration grew.

Being a savant of repression, I took it in stride. Coming back to UR, though, I discovered my breaking point. After an exhaustingly hot day of sitting in the Tech Expo during freshmen orientation, with many of my friends still gone from campus, all I wanted to do was go out for a relaxing dinner with those friends who were here. We journeyed to Wilson Commons. How I longed for a bacon cheeseburger! I hadn’t tasted bacon in so long.

But stepping into the Pit, glancing at the menu, I realized something awful – the bacon cheeseburger no longer existed. The chicken finger sub? Baconless.

Horrible misunderstanding!

The kind grill worker noted that bacon was no longer an option.

Blasphemy!

That’s right, friends: Bacon, America’s Meat of Choice, has been exiled from the Roc City Grill. Our dining administrators decided it was no longer welcome.

You might have trouble seeing the problem. Blimpie still has its BLT, and Danforth may occasionally offer a bacon cheeseburger. And bacon isn’t even good for you. Let me explain, though, how this thinking is completely inferior in every way.

First, I don’t want a BLT.

So there.

Second, even one of Michael Vick’s poor, ravaged dogs would reject what Danforth calls a hamburger.

Third, a grande Strawberries & Cream Frappuccino from our new Starbucks has as many calories as a Big Mac, so the school can’t possibly be playing the health card. Plus, we should be responsible for what we eat anyway. That’s what the gym – and liposuction – is for.

So why is this tragedy happening? According to Dining Services, the chefs re-engineered the Grill menu over the summer. In an attempt to jive with local flavors, they opted to replace the bacon cheeseburger with a chili cheeseburger. Apparently, there is not enough room for both chili and bacon. So it came to pass that the latter was stripped from the menu.

This is not a meager offense. Bacon has long been a staple of the American diet. It is one of the few foods that is acceptable in every meal of the day. Major actors and philosophers are named after it! How dare Dining Services suggest that bacon is so lowly that it can be merely tossed aside? Are they just getting lazy? Is offering bacon just too much work despite having done so for the last umpteen years? Are they just enjoying angering the student body? Soon they’ll begin taking away cheese, or even the bun.

While I agree that sometimes we have to pick our fights, this is one issue worth going to battle for. We must draw the line and demand that Dining Services bring home the bacon.

Brenneman is a member of the class of 2009.



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To everyone, everything, that’s no longer mine

You left so many pieces of you with me — I’m a mosaic. You gave me pretty stained glass, and when you left it cracked into shards.