One thing granted to human beings is the right to observe, and to complain about those observations. Sure, we have the right to a fair trial, which only assists those of us who consistently get arrested for attempting to breed an elephant with a chimpanzee to create super beasts (I was not aware that PETA has undercover agents), the right to fight crime whenever we get bored and the list goes on. People love to be criticized in a highly caustic manner – trust me, I know people and I also know that Mike D. from the Beastie Boys and Screech from “Saved By The Bell” are brothers.

But let’s get to the succulent meat of this article. We all know that class is the best time to not pay attention, judge others for what they are doing according to extremely weighted biases and circumstances, and then complain about whatever they are doing. So, when I was bored in class the other day, I compiled a list of my top nine complaints and concerns when it comes to things that piss me off in class. And, just as a side note, if you have never seen any of these types of people or actions in your class, you most certainly are the culprit. This is my pansy way of confronting your annoying habits.

9. To the person who jots down every word that the professor says: why do you do that? Are you some sort of robot that is fueled by the constant gesticulation of your arm? Do your hand a favor and don’t write down that your professor’s favorite type of macaroni and cheese is Kraft because he has the blues.

8. To the person who brings a snack to class and can’t open it: please, you might as well just break out a jackhammer. Bugles are not worth the Old-Man-And-The-Sea-esque struggle. I wasn’t even aware that eight million decibels could flow from a piece of plastic being crumpled and tugged. If I had that skill, I would probably annoy people with it, or become an alternative rock star, whichever pays more.

7. To the person who takes notes in neon pink or azure green or some shade lighter than blue: yes, everyone behind you notices when you do it. The last thing I want to see on Monday is a full page of notes that are so neon and bright that they are glazed into the back of my skull. Just do what the rest of us do and take notes with either a pencil or gravy.

6. To the person who sneezes either way too loudly or way too quietly: learn how to sneeze the proper way. If you are going to be sick, be sick the right way.

5. To the person who coughs constantly and refuses to get up, I plead on behalf of that hulking frog in your throat to get a drink. Class is not worth choking to death over – trust me, I’ve tried it.

4. To the person who can’t whisper: you might like to know that no one wants to hear about your stupid observations (ironic to this article perhaps?) that are not funny while your friend fake laughs next to you. I will give you something to laugh at – I will play you clips of Kobe Bryant rapping. Now that’s funny.

3. To the person who has the most obnoxious laugh ever: go to Respectable Laughs That Don’t Sound Like Animal Noises University or Ghosts Shrieking but a Laugh That People Actually Understand Is a Laugh and Not a Death Cry University (otherwise known as Subway University CRLTDSLANGSLTPAUILNDC)

2. To the person who has the worst hygiene, it’s too easy to make fun of you so I will list the key words: lice, foul, worms wart, Patrick Swayze, Stretch Armstrong, shower.

1. To the person who talks on the phone in class: just because you hunch down beside your chair does not mean that people will not associate the noise being expelled from your mouth to the flapping of your lips. I wish I were a ventriloquist so that I could throw my voice at you.

There it is, my whining diatribe. If I did it right, at least a small percentage of people reading this article will be offended right about now. But let’s face the facts here: complaining makes the world a better place. Without complainers pointing out foibles and doing nothing about them, we would be plankton floating in some sort of prehistoric soup and everyone knows that plankton are always up to no good.

Stahl can be reached at mstahl@campustimes.org.



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