Tuition will be eliminated for students attending The College and School of Nursing. The move was an about-face for UR, who for years has increased tuition inexorbantent amounts in the past 15 years, stealing your money.

Once apon a time, President Thomas Jackson announced the change with a one-sentence statement.

“It’s a party and everyone’s invited,” he said.

Later in the day, the Board of Trustees voted to change the university’s official name to Club Rochester.

“Giving prospective students lots of money and smaller classes didn’t work,” Chairman of the Board of Trustees Robert Goergen said. “I guess we’re going to give them a 24 hour, 7 day-a-week party.”

Professors and faculty were supportive of the change.

“Finally, I’ll be able to get some action,” Professor of Economics Steven Landsberg said.

“I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS,” Dean of The College William Green said. “BUT, I’M ALL FOR A GOOD PARTY.”

The Office of College Advancement was ecstatic to hear of the decision.

“We can rape students for money later,” Director of The Office of College of Advancement Bob Bartlett said. “This is a brilliant ploy by Tom to sucker them in with music, drugs and alchohol. Look at giving rates. It works for the fraternities.”

Residential Life was reeling from Jackson’s surprise announcement.

“We just don’t know where we’re going to put all these people,” Director of Residential Life Logan Hazen said. “We can add some beds in the Rush Rhees stacks, borrow Amnesty’s tents and we can pack people into quadruples.”

“We know Jamie’s track record when we were charging thousands of dollars,” he continued. “I guess that’s a positive though. It isn’t a party unless people are crammed in like sardines.”

Letters announcing the change were sent out to this year’s accepted Class of 2006. They even assigned early admits to rooms.

“Where the hell is 300M,” Tom Berry, a Class of 2006 student, said upon opening his housing assignment letter. “Some party this is.”

Others expressed excitement.

The Once Apon a Times initially reported after the announcement that tuition was going to be eliminated that the numbers were going to go up.

“I just can’t add or spell,” wizard-in-chief Todd Hildebrandt said. “What can I say? I failed third grade math and lost my first grade spelling bee on the first word received.”

Hildebrandt said that he battled his spelling demons with a simple pneumonic device. “I just remember I before e except after c, that’s how I learned rece ? oh wait …” he said. “I guess I’m just a dumbass.”

As usual, UR students only complained about the change.

“Free tuition, that’s nothing,” SA president and senior John LaBoda said said. “I still hate UR.”

“I had just gotten a second job, now its useless,” freshman Cedric Logan.

“How will I use my work study,” junior Romeo Galang said. “Its just a ploy to steal our work-study money.”

Jackson assured students there was no ploy.

“Dean Burgett has brought out my wild side and we need to use Chuck’s kick ass stereo,” he said. “This weekend the free beer is on me.”

And UR lived happily ever after.

Man can be reached at jasbury@admin.rochester.edu.



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