Epic Games has taken the common Rochester phrase “Jaeger is barbaric” to a whole new level with the release of an aptly-named barbarian skin for Fortnite. The “Jaeger Primal Hunter” outfit allows sixth-grade gamers to adorn their virtual character with sabertooth pelts and frost-tipped viking horns, all for a measly 1,500 V-Bucks (about $15 USD).

But while children are buying the prehistoric-looking outfit to flex on friends, Professor Florian T. Jaeger has been using the skin’s popularity as an attempt to recover from his notorious sexual misconduct scandal.

“Jaeger has spent the last three classes bragging about how ‘hip’ and ‘woke’ he is for playing Fortnite,” graduate student Franklin Martinez said.  His frustrated statement reflects the sentiments of the five students still enrolled in Jaeger’s “Practicum in Data-Enabled Research into Human Behavior and Getting Away With Sexual Harassment” course. Martinez was especially annoyed when Jaeger moved his classes to Hoyt Hall Auditorium so ECM could “put the matches on the big screen like a real MLG Pro.”

“The man needs to realize that sharing a name with a Fortnite skin doesn’t give him the right to brush sexual misconduct under the rug,” Martinez elaborated.

Since the skin’s debut just over one week ago, Jaeger has screened nearly 100 hours of Fortnite gameplay for his graduate students. However, insiders report that the professor has yet to rank in the top 75 of a 100-person game.

“Whenever Jaeger loses, he starts cursing at all the ‘no-skins’ on Xbox Live,” another graduate student says. “That man has thrown slurs that I didn’t even know existed at 12-year olds. Who knew that a skin could make him even more toxic?”

Several faculty members told the Campus Times that Jaeger’s new venomous gamer attitude has started regularly leaking into the workplace.

“Jaeger has insulted my mother more times in the past week than he has during his entire career,” Senior Vice President Holly Crawford said. “When we informed him that the University legally could not pay him in V-Bucks, he screeched at the top of his lungs and wouldn’t stop ‘flossing’ until Public Safety removed him.”

Despite the backlash, Jaeger shows no sign of stopping.

“Help me buy a real life Jaeger Primal Hunter skin @FortniteGame,” Jaeger tweeted yesterday along with a link to his GoFundMe page. At press time, he had received $5 of his $4,000 goal.

“If we unite as a campus, I really think we can do this,” Jaeger told the Campus Times. “When an institution unites behind one individual despite all evidence indicating they should do the opposite, amazing things can happen.”


Life is pay to win. College? The giant paywall

For a game that preaches freedom of choice, there are an awful lot of decisions essentially made for us. Exhibit A: the decision to play at all.

Scars, romance, and the minds of youth

I was a Tumblr tween. And unfortunately, I was one of the many, many children who fell victim to the aestheticization of self-harm.

From the Archives: LOGOS and Campus Times finally bury the hatchet

Dan Kimmel says that, in addition to finding an audience and an identity, LOGOS helped him find his voice.