Improvements to geophysical mathematics has led to a stunning new revelation: Our Earth is actually a torus.

The Global Geophysicists Group (GGG) recently presented a new model for mapping the planet, including a staggering three-line proof describing the torical nature of Earth — a fancy sciency way of referring to donuts. 

While apparently more shapely and defined than what the local Dunkin’ provides, torical Earth boasts a six mile-wide hole in its center. The initial Boston creme model was inexplicably devoured, but the GGG maintains that their strawberry-frosted successor is here to stay. The southern half of the donut unfortunately lacks sprinkles, as they keep falling off the bottom.

GGG also described the central hole as the “remnants of a partnership with the NBA,” with the Moon being scheduled for a slam-dunk come next March. 

In the past, Donut Earth Theory was considered scientifically impossible. Day and night cycles wouldn’t exist, thanks to the shape and rotation of the torus. Sunlight would strike the planet unevenly, resulting in vastly different climates and seasons depending on the donut’s angle in relation to the sun — but, according to top GGG scientists, these fluctuations fall perfectly in line with the advent of climate change.

“Please respect my research,” said Dr. Hanson Gregory, a part-time postdoc researcher and full-time Tim Hortons cashier.

Completely preventable and utterly anthropocenic, climate change remains the problem of whatever generation will suffer the most from it. While the masses await death by microplastics and the mildly inconvenient paper straw, Exxon and high-capacity industry moguls are slated to see booming profits for the foreseeable future — until society runs out of dinosaurs to melt into fuel and stops believing that the dollar is actually worth anything. It’s not even backed by gold or silver, guys. Come on. Have you ever even read about Nixon? Them’s the books. Breaks. Books. That’s a joke; they call that media literacy, you know. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

Anyway, the toroidal Earth model might give climate scientists a leg up against the oncoming climate apocalypse, or climatocalypse, which regrettably sounds like some kind of an STD. First pioneered in early 2008 by a Dr. Rosenpenis, his legal name. Donut Earth Theory was later popularized by a hard-hitting VICE investigation.

In the wake of GGG’s presentation, sales of Halo: Reach are expected to skyrocket — and we can remain firm in our belief that Earth remains the tastiest celestial body.

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