Shrimp fried rice: an age-old mystery. Is it fried rice containing shrimp? Or is it fried rice made by shrimp? I know, I know, you’ve seen the debate before. You, dear reader, are sitting there questioning what I, a humble college student, could possibly have to add to that well-argued debate. And that’s valid. Experts have studied this far further in depth than I ever could. But there’s an element that they aren’t considering, the fact that so-called innocent shrimp leaders have been using unsuspecting humans as part of their justice system for millennia.

I subscribe to the belief that shrimp fried rice is fried rice made by shrimp. After all, fried rice contains multiple ingredients, and we don’t call it shrimp-carrot-peas-etc. fried rice. But if the shrimp are making the rice, then why are they putting shrimp in as an ingredient?

Those who support the shrimp have said that the shrimp chefs are sneaking in shrimp substitute, but I would argue that they are using the delightful dish to dispose of the unsavory members of the shrimp community.

Humans have the death penalty; shrimp have the rice penalty. Such a lethal sentence isn’t a first resort for shrimp authorities — they do offer community service for first-time offenders —  but the punishment is still all too often carried out. 

Eighteen people were put to death in the U.S. in 2022, while, in the same timeframe, millions of shrimp met their delicious demise.

And that’s not even mentioning the poor shrimp who fall into the bowl. Thanks to the draconian nature of the shrimp fried rice production industry, regulations in its production are horribly lax. There are no statistics for how many shrimp have fallen in the bowls, but we know the number is higher than it should be.

Shrimp leadership use the bowls to dispose of their social rejects. The shrimp with the limp goes in the bowl. Anyone President Shrimpy wants to go in the bowl, goes in the bowl. Political opponents, the disabled, the socially awkward—  anyone can be sacrificed to the bowl, laid to rest on a crispy bed.

No one is talking about these atrocities. The innocent shrimp toiling away to create our favorite dish aren’t being paid, and have no benefits. Not even dental.

This is the hero’s crusade we must take up. 

It’s shrimple: Save the shrimp. Save the world.

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