Aries (March 21-April 19) – Going to a private college is like living in a bubble or, in Rochester’s case, a snow globe.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – If you’re naughty around Christmas time, you’ll get coal from Santa, but diamonds from your boyfriend!
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Strip dreidel is a lot of fun, unless the girls have latke breasts.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Dreaming of a white Christmas? There’s a guy across the bridge who might be able to help you out.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – As the only engineer at the campus’s swinger party, you’ll think it only right that you start the train.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Motor oil isn’t the only lubricant whose smell is impossible to wash off your hands.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – While working on applications, you won’t be able to remember if the health admissions adviser emphasized nailing the interview or the interviewer.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Just as dogs smell fear and attack, men can smell women’s desperation.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Trying to save cash this holiday season? Break up with your girlfriend and reconcile after! Repeat at the beginning of February.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – With the last real weekend of the semester upon us, stoners won’t be the only high men to get destroyed on Saturday!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – As a grown woman, you’ve found that hot chocolate isn’t the only hot liquid to drink to warm up.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – While working on a design project, you’ll begin to wonder where the inventor of the ear muff got his inspiration.
(If you actually believe this, then you believe this semester has gone by fast.)