Hello Herman, I just wanted to let you that I found your bottle. Thanks a lot for ripping the wrapper off the bottle so I couldn’t redeem it for five cents. Never mind that. I don’t really have too much experience being stranded in the middle of the ocean, so I suppose the best thing for me to tell you is to keep your head up. Literally, if you let it go below the surface you will die. I hate to be a pessimist, but your odds aren’t looking that good. By the way, if you are reading this, Herman, this will be quite phenomenal because I wrote a letter, put it in a bottle, and threw it into the ocean hoping that it would eventually reach you on your little raft. If it does make it to you, there should be some torn up pieces of bread in it. If not, it’s for the birds. In your letter, it said you had lost a foot. When you said this, did you mean you got shorter, or that you lost one of your two feet? Either way, I’ve included a twelve-inch tall prosthetic foot in the bottle. I just watched “Castaway” for the first time. I thought it was amazing, but honestly I feel like the only chance a person would have for survival would be if they were in a movie. There’s just no possible way a person could survive, alone, with no one to love or to be loved by. I don’t know about them, but I think I would lose hope really quickly.
Since you haven’t been in contact with the outside world, I think it would be good if I kept you up to date. Here it goes. Recently, Justin Bieber was arrested twice in one week, proving to be a solid role model for dog feces everywhere. Some say Bieber will never clean up his act, to which Justin serenades “ne-never say never”. Why couldn’t he have been on your raft instead of you? Belgian soccer club FC Racing Boxberg successfully signed a 20-month-old boy. All they need to do is sign a phlebotomist to complete the old adage; the players will provide the sweat, the phlebotomist the blood, and the baby the tears. Selection Sunday for March Madness basketball has left millions of Americans totally prepared to take full credit for pure guesses on their brackets. Who would’ve guessed your favorite team—seeded 13th—would advance four rounds all because of full-court buzzer beaters? A 4.4-magnitude earthquake woke up the Los Angeles area. Fortunately, there aren’t any reports of serious damage, but the people do seem to be a little shaken. Also, a Utah mother bought all of a store’s indecent clothing. I think this is ironic because thanks to her, the people who bought clothing from the store will have nothing to wear. The 76ers have lost 25 games in a row. At least they are consistent.
In conclusion, J.R.R. Tolkien once said, “not all those who wander are lost.” Sadly, you are lost Herman. I went online to see if I could find an inspirational quote for you. I couldn’t. I saw a few about “hoping for a brighter future”. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow. Best of luck!
Horgan is a member of the class of 2017.
