You know how birds don’t actually exist? You may scoff at this notion, but it’s true — birds are part of a larger plan of spying on us lowly commoners at the mercy of the U.S. Government.
It goes even further than that. Recently, through some black market exchanging of information, it was discovered that the “birds” piece of the puzzle is only one step in the plan to have all people under full governmental control.
Little did you know, the government has started using bugs to spy on us — not birds, obviously, ‘cause that was “sooo yesturdaeee.” Think about it. Why are bugs everywhere? Why do you refer to a place as “bugged” when there’s a hidden device to spy on you? That’s because the government is watching us using bugs. We got some quotes from victims who witnessed this phenomenon first hand.
“One time, I was trying to take a shower, but then I saw a fly just sitting in the corner watching me! It just sat there, rubbing its hands together like it was planning something — like, what the heck!” Marthason Flycatcherson said calmly.
This witness isn’t the only one who’s in distress from bugs — and they are not the first by any means. This idea harkens all the way back to 1984, when the CIA created a dragonfly that could be used as a listening device. The only reason it wasn’t successful is because it was impossible to control in crosswind. (That’s what they say anyway.)
Think about all the flightless bugs the government can use — like ants. Ants spawn out of nowhere and invade your territory. They’re here to spy on us. Ants also work together suspiciously efficiently — almost like they are all controlled by one person or program.
“I had finally completed my essay about ‘how anarchy is the answer to all our problems, and we should overthrow the government’ at 3:38 a.m. and finally went to bed,” junior Christant Croissant said. “You know what I saw when I woke up?! There was a colony of ants taking my computer away!” The Campus Times was unable to follow up with Croissant on the status of his laptop since the government (using their ants) got to him first.
But no, we’re still not done yet. Have you noticed how bugs are always somehow weak to water? No, that’s not because the surface tension of the water is much stronger than the bug and pulls the bug in and drowns it. NO! It has been found out that these bugs avoid water because it would damage their computer insides.
Now, it’s time for us to make a move against the government and their bug-bird army. We must overthrow the government once and for all to save us — The People. Anarchy is the answer. We are all adults and are capable of ruling as our own autonomous government. Whatever the cost, it is better than being spied on by the looming eyes of the U.S. Government.
Now, it’s time for me to go and avoid being murdered by ants and remember: Anarchy needs you!
