Aries (March 21-April 19) – Be wary of dating any girl whose favorite board game is Hungry, Hungry, Hippos.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After a brief flirtation with sunshine and warmth, it’s good to see Rochester has returned to its old spouse of snow and cold.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Don’t forget to vote in the Senate elections! If you don’t vote for your friend, someone else’s friend will do nothing all year!
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – If your girlfriend’s feminine hygiene products are not in her purse, you know where they are. Avoid her at all costs during these times.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Next time you get out of the hospital, ask your insurance provider if you can get cash instead of having to sell the drugs they buy you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – SportsCenter is much less interesting once March Madness is over and baseball is just picking up. It’s like church now that Easter is over.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Not getting that summer internship you wanted is not going to make you a failure, it’s your lack of skills that lost you the internship that will.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – People who say love is blind must never have treated their syphilis.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – When at a wedding, a typical courtesy is to give the groom first choice of the bridesmaids.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – As they get older and more responsible, many men find it increasingly difficult to raise their collar. Throwing a Viagra into the wash can help fight this and turn that flop into pop!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – After a night with a new girl, your roommate will tell you how love was in the air, and then unfortunately, love landed on your pillow.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Remember, when at a strip club, a gentleman tips percent of the cup size.
(If you actually believe this then you believe there’s life after college.)
