From: president_sa@u.rochester.edu
Subject: u up?
Hey there beautiful,
What’s good? I hope you’re off to a great start to the semester. Having any fun? You want to? I may be busy ruling over the school with a limp wrist and iron fist, but I’ll always have time for you.
It’s been a long summer without you. What if I told you I got lonely? Don’t worry, the long nights and days were all worth it to see your pretty little face again. I’ve got big plans for you and me. Sit back and relax. I’ve got you ;))
The Student Association is pleased to announce its wintry lineup of extra-special activities, perfect for cozying up to that special someone in your life. Did cuffing season leave you behind? I’m sure we can figure something out.
- Every Monday, meet up with your local representatives in the Gowen Room to share your concerns. SA is ready to take action with you to advocate for better water access, diminished Winter Stay costs, and keeping you warm at night. Is your furnace broken? You may be entitled to physical compensation.
- To celebrate the end of the Add/Drop period, we will be holding a Speed-Dating Symposium in Feldman Ballroom on Jan. 26, with a grand prize of TWO whole deluxe dining hall meals for the person who spots the most of their ghosted Tinder matches. If you ever need a real man, hmu.
- Last but not least, the brothers of Sigma Tigma Figma have extended a generous invitation to all the single ladies to pull up to their very welcoming and extremely clean household for a V-Day Banger. Be there or be boring.
Baby, I know you’ve been hurt by SA before. We promise a lot of things and can’t always find it in our heart — or financial interest — to deliver. The flags weren’t on us, red or otherwise, and anything you’ve heard about the unofficial Cabinet sendoff last May was pure conjecture. Ours is a mission of love!
I was a sk8er boi, you were a girlboss. Last semester, we really weren’t meant to be. But this time around — especially with the next election cycle just around the corner, jk jk unless — I need you to know that I care about you. I will stand by you, if you will stand by me… and vote for me. You know you want to, sweetcheeks.
I’ll let you go for now. You can sleep on it. Whenever you realize you want me, I’ll be around.
Slay another day,
Your faithful SA leaders, living to serve (in any way you require)
