Reports are coming in that a UR senior has decided to mention his appreciation for “the killer handjobs” in a mandatory reflection essay on his time in Barcelona on a study abroad program. Senior Trent Williamson IV, who attended a psychology international exchange program in the famed Spanish city this past spring semester, came to the decision after much soul-searching.
“I know it’s a bold move, yeah,” Williamson IV told the Campus Times, “but the prompt was all, like, ‘We want total honesty,’ and it’s just like, one of the things I learned in Barcelona — you’re supposed to pronounce it like that, yeah, like ‘Ba-Har-Teh-Loan-Uh’ — is that, like, honesty? As a social species, that’s our superpower. So I’m just using what I’ve learned, really.”
According to Williamson IV, what was originally just a brief mention of “extracurricular fun” gradually morphed into “taking in the nightlife,” then “making lasting connections with local students,” then “making brief and intense connections with local students,” and finally “getting absolutely wrung dry behind Club Catwalk.”
“The Club Catwalk,” Williamson IV said, briefly getting misty-eyed. “I’ll never forget the Club Catwalk and Suzanne. Or was it Club Catwalk and Antonio? No wait — Antonio and the Dome Club. Which I guess means it was Raphael and Suzanne both simultaneously at Club Catwalk? How did that even work? Man, just lost to time, I guess. Tears in the rain.”
The “Handjob Chronicle,” as Williamson IV has taken to calling his recounting of the event, also goes into detail about the architectural marvels Williamson IV saw while studying in Barcelona, as well as which most resembled his engorged genitalia. This section takes up seven of the essay’s eight body paragraphs.
When this fact was pointed out to Williamson IV, he chuckled and said, “Ha ha, ‘body’ paragraphs, nice dude.”
The program in which Williamson IV took part, the Randy G. Ford-Wainwright ’91 Memorial Fellowship, is made possible each year by donations the Ford-Wainwright family make in memory of their son’s tragically short life. Williamson IV’s essay will be read aloud at a gala held in Ford-Wainwright’s honor this November.
“[I] Just really feel like it’s important to get my story out there,” Williamson IV said. “For Randy, y’know? And all those handjobs he missed out on when that shark ate his entire lower half off the coast of Portugal. It’ll be a powerful moment. I think there’ll be tears at the gala.”
At press time Williamson IV, who ran this decision by no one and never used spellcheck, could be seen happily submitting the essay through a Rochester online portal.
